How to get rid of a grudge, to forgive and let go of pain?

Each of us, at least once in a lifetime wondered how to get rid of a grudge and never experience it again? Resentment is a very intrusive emotion, which sometimes clouds the mind and makes us commit rash acts.

Even when the offended person realizes that their emotions have taken over their mind, they are not always able to pull themselves together. Let’s find out where it comes from this destructive feeling and what are the techniques to overcome it?

Contents

What is resentment?

At lifeinheart.com. there have long been questions in the comments about resentment. To answer this question, it’s worth mentioning that our brain consists of 3 parts:

The reptilian (ancient brain). – Responsible for instincts and the unconscious, it controls all internal life support systems. It is “turned on” in stressful and dangerous situations, contributing to survival.
The limbic (midbrain) – Recognizes feelings, identifies emotions in others. Responsible for attachments and desires in the present tense. It is a kind of “inner child” of the person, which reacts when what is desired (or expected) does not match reality.
The neocortex (the new brain) it is the area responsible for thought processes, structuring and recognition of speech, logic, analysis, explanation.

So, we have learned that the limbic system of the brain is responsible for emotions and feelings of resentment, among other things. And since this emotion arises against the background of a discrepancy between the desired and the actual, we can deduce three key concepts on which it is based:

The perception of oneself as a separate formed personality.
Understanding of how people around should behave normally.
Awareness of the negative consequences of violations of behavioral norms by others.

Insult is a negative emotion, a signal that “something wrong is happening”, “relationships are threatened”, “something needs to change”.

Resentment undermines mental and physical health. The feeling of resentment familiar to everyone – it gnaws from the inside, it changes the picture of the world and does not allow us to perceive reality sensibly.

If you’re offended – you need to understand the situation and the right to react.

Do not forget that for the offense is responsible limbic brain, he is “inner child” which, as a child is often prone to exaggerate, and see the danger where there is no. It switches all the body’s resources into emergency response mode, speeding up the pulse and making you breathe more often, thereby exhausting and exhausting the nervous system.

First of all, it is worth understanding that it is normal to be offended. It is important to find the source of the offense in a timely manner and eliminate it.

Offense in psychology

Resentment is a negatively colored reaction to what is happening or has already happened, closely intertwined with a sense of justice.

Researchers do not classify resentment as an innate emotion, unlike anger, which is inherent even in infants. The age of the first offenses is between the ages of 2 and 5, when the child learns to imitate.

Resentment results from the following thought processes:

Expectation-building/wish-formation/assumption.
Observation of an unsatisfactory present.
Comparison with the expected.
Reaction: conscious with acceptance of responsibility or unconscious with shifting responsibility to others.

How to forgive a grudge in 5 steps?

With an understanding of the nature of resentment You can begin to work on your own emotions. If you realize that you need help, but do not find the moral strength to go to a specialist, try to fix the situation yourself. In order to gradually get rid of the resentment, you will need an hour of free time, writing utensils and a few sheets of paper. Despite the seeming frivolity of this action, treat it with the utmost responsibility. Provide yourself a quiet and secluded place where you can be alone with your thoughts, and give yourself over to the process.

Step One: Open up your frustrations.

This exercise will help you find the root of your resentment, understand its nature and look at the situation soberly.

Write the name of your offender on a piece of paper and underneath write down in detail why and when he or she offended you. Take your time, try to remain calm and sound analysis. It is quite possible that as you write you will recall those unfortunate situations that did not come to your mind before.

Unconscious (secondary) resentment is an emotion that is fixed at a subconscious level at a time when reality is at odds with your perceptions, but because of stronger emotions (falling in love, admiration) the mind does not focus on it.

More often than not, secondary resentments surface after the breakup of a failed romantic relationship with a man/woman. Falling in love causes a person to idealize the image of a partner and ascribe non-existent qualities to him or her.

The more conflicts the couple experiences, the more the “pattern breaks down. As a result, there are mutual insults and accusations that promises have been broken, and in general, the chosen one has changed a lot since the first meeting. In most cases, however, it is not the person who changes, but the attitude toward him or her, and an understanding of why you have been uncomfortable and anxious around him or her all this time.

Step Two: Give up “favorable” grievances

Demonstrating resentment is not a nice pout and hands folded in a lock on his chest. It is a problem that is rooted in childhood.

What if the abuser is a parent?

Most often, the conditional “benefit” of the offense are trying to extract those people who lacked in childhood unconditional parental love. Growing up, they admit that they tried to get their mother’s attention in different ways, but only one worked – illness or trauma.

A sympathetic and caring caregiver is fixed in the subconscious mind as a true form of love, which can only be experienced through moral or physical pain. Such a destructive attitude leads to the development of the victim syndrome. This is what motivates him to look for conflicts and reasons to be offended where there are none, in order to get the desired response.

If you have recognized your tendency toward victimizing behavior, analyze and answer yourself the question, what do you gain by being offended? What is your gain? Suppose you like to feel that the person for your sake, neglects their plans to come and calm, to dispel your doubts. You like the feeling of exclusivity, a sense of care and attention. Your goal is to get attention..

Give up the behavior and psychology of the victim — Give up on victim behavior and psychology

Recall and write down every instance in which you have offended in order to gain an imaginary benefit for yourself, and most importantly, state the purpose for which you did so. Think about what you could do to replace the offense to get to your goal.

Your entry should look like a three-point outline, for example:

Why am I offended? – I offend to be spent time with me because I’m bored and lonely.
What do I get out of it? – A sense of need, of importance, a feeling of love.
What can I do to replace resentment? – Going out on my own, expanding my social circle, finding new hobbies.

Step three. Learn to pause to make the right choices

Often the right words to scathingly answer the offensive phrases of the opponent are found only when the conflict has long been exhausted. Caustic annoyance makes you scroll through the situation in your head again and again, with different scenarios, in each of which you turn out to be the winner. The feeling of unfinished action leaves you in a “suspended” state and does not allow you to forget the offense, wanting revenge.

You need to understand and and fully accept that you made the decision to be offended yourself in that situation. You are responsible for what you are feeling right now. Between the stimulus (insult) and the response (offense), you have time to decide how to act. Learn to mentally pause briefly in conflict situations. Put reason before emotion and keep your composure-it will be much easier to make the right choice.

The feeling of incomplete action due to a conflict that ended not in your favor can be the cause of intrusive thoughts and insomnia.

To get rid of the burden of the past, remember and describe all such cases. Do not be shy! Fantasize about how the story would have ended, if you had had the self-control to react properly. At the end, write: “I can’t change my decision, so I forgive my hard feelings and let the situation go.

Step four. Forgive and let go.

The only people who can hurt your feelings and hurt your feelings deeply is the people closest to you. Those with whom you shared intimate and joyful moments before the conflict occurred. This exercise will help you regain a neutral disposition toward your abuser and forgive their transgression.

Sit in silence and focus on the fond memories you have of the person. You can look at joint photos, or hold in his hands gifts, so you have in your head that image of a good friend, which was so close to you. Imagine as if he were sitting across from you and start writing a letter, voicing each sentence out loud: (Name) I forgive you for…

This can move you to tears, make you sad, and make you relive the hurt you once felt. It’s perfectly normal. Give vent to your feelings and feel those emotions one last time. If it is morally unpleasant for you to look at this letter, then burn it, throwing the ashes in the wind.

Step Five. Give yourself what you deserve

What to do if the intrusive thoughts of resentment do not go away, despite all efforts? If you cross the street with the offender, find yourself in a circle of mutual friends, see things that remind you of him, you immediately see that unfortunate scene, and a lump rises to your throat. You begin to replay it in your head and you are hurt again by the injustice and the fact that you have not been asked for forgiveness. The latter is what you need to work on in order to close the gestalt..

Close the gestalt – to reach a logical end in the awareness of unfinished situation of life. To achieve emotional balance through the harmonization of the internal and external world. A psychological term for Gestalt therapy.

Sit down, relax, and begin to think about the person who hurt you. Play that traumatic incident from beginning to end, but continue the memories with your fantasy. Imagine that person coming up to you, looking into your eyes, and gently taking your hands and saying: “Please forgive me for all the hurtful words and actions. I’m sorry for hurting you. You deserve a happy life».

Every time you feel a wave of resentment and dark memories overwhelm you, imagine this episode. After a while, you will feel relieved and soothed.

Resentment against his mother and father – how not to let childhood traumas ruin your life?

Childhood resentments are the most bitter and hardest. Doubly so when the source of complexes and insecurities are the actions of mom or dad.

Hurt little child from the past, deprived of parental love and understanding, will always be part of you, if you do not understand how to work through resentment.

Our tips will help you do just that:

Try to understand them. Think calmly without judgment. Why did they treat you this way? Perhaps they were too young and inexperienced. Maybe they didn’t have enough money to provide for you because of the difficult situation in the country. Or maybe they didn’t have the time, because of their tireless work, to provide for their family. Perhaps they themselves had an unhappy childhood and simply had no direction in life? Try to assess the situation from the outside, as if you were an adult bystander.
If you can speak, don’t keep silent. Talk to your parents frankly. Talk about what’s eating you since childhood. It is possible that over the years, becoming more sensible and calmly, they themselves will admit their guilt and ask you for forgiveness. Or you will discover aspects of the story that you did not know or could not understand because of their age. Give them a chance to explain!
Allow them not to change their minds. In addition to words of forgiveness, you may hear new accusations along the lines of “we did all we could for you, and you grew up so ungrateful!” Well, let them think so. People of the older generations are, for the most part, very conservative, and it’s almost impossible to change their minds. Accept that they won’t change and forgive them even if they don’t apologize to you.
Learn to speak to them in the same language. It happens that a critical and hysterical mother who makes unflattering comments and insults about your appearance, work, and lifestyle actually loves you and wants the best for you. She is trying to put your life in the framework she understands. Don’t be offended by that. Listen to her point of view and try to convey your own without violating personal boundaries.
Allow yourself to be offended. Childhood resentments cause cognitive resonance – they are very painful and at the same time perceived as something that shouldn’t matter at all. Allow yourself to be offended and feel sorry for yourself as a minor. Imagine a dialogue with yourself from the past. Ask this toddler to be strong and steadfast in spite of all the hardships ahead, and tell him about the dreams you were able to realize and how many interesting events he will experience.
Do not let the feeling of childish resentment take hold of you. Remember your right to choose – you can learn from the past and try to move on, or you can carry a huge load of psychological clips, complexes and insecurities. Be aware of yourself today and realize that you are a very strong and mature person, since you were able to overcome all that. You are now an adult who is in charge of your own life.

The offended inner child — Childhood traumas interfere with future life

The psychosomatics of resentment – when it’s not just the soul that hurts

You wonder why I should ever forgive someone who has hurt me. Isn’t that what he wanted? To hurt a man and not be punished for it? I’m going along with him, aren’t I? Quite the opposite-if you allow destructive feelings to take hold of you, you will be defeated both mentally and physically.

An offended person is a vulnerable person who condemns himself to very real psychosomatic illnesses.

Psychosomatics is a branch of psychology that studies the influence of psychological factors on the appearance of bodily (somatic) illnesses. Psychosomatic illness is a disease resulting from mental states.

To understand how resentment affects physical ailments will help Sinelnikov’s table:

Headache. Unspoken insults, constant concealment of true emotions, communication with people who exert moral pressure causes nervous overstrain and, as a consequence, a headache.
Chronic runny nose. An affliction of people who have to constantly push themselves over the edge and hold back tears of resentment.
Violent coughing, As an unconscious, bodily attempt to draw attention to oneself. A reaction to an unspoken opinion contrary to those around you.
Angina. A sore throat, as after a loud scream, is the body’s reaction to the person’s inability to assert his or her needs because of stiffness or stiffness.
Nausea and vomiting. Aversion to the existing world view, frightening or discouraging circumstances.
Scabies/rash. Often occurs in people who lose control of too strong negative emotions of resentment, rage, and anger.
Kidney ailments. Point to a person who sees everything as his fault. He may have been constantly criticized and used to see himself as the source of all troubles and problems.
Cystitis – A disease of women who do not express their dissatisfaction to their sexual partner.
Gallbladder disease – are frequent companions of people who do not know how to forgive. Cultivating bitterness in yourself and thinking over plans of revenge, you can provoke stagnation of bile in the body.
Inflammatory diseases of the genitals – is a sure sign that a person is not confident in his own attractiveness in the eyes of the sexual partner.
Constipation – is caused by psychological stiffness and lack of confidence in one’s own future. A person suffering from regular constipation holds on to things he no longer needs, afraid of not settling down in an uncharted future. This affliction is peculiar to conservatives.
Diarrhea. A strong feeling of fear and insecurity before an imminently approaching important event forces the intestines to eliminate their contents at an accelerated rate. This is a protective reflex due to nature. Since ancient times, man has felt safe on two occasions: when he went to the toilet and when he ate a meal.
Hemorrhoids and anal fissures often cause a lot of inconvenience to people who have never been able to resolve the “fathers and children” conflict. They are constrained by childhood unforgiven resentments and misunderstandings on the part of their parents.
A cold sore on the lips – is the unrealized desire to insult and verbally humiliate the opponent.

This is not a complete list of diseases of psychosomatic origin – there are innumerable. Understand that Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness and spinelessness. It is getting rid of a destructive relationship, a moral burden, and a host of physical problems.

What to do when you are very resentful and vulnerable? Top 5 ways to cope with resentment

Awareness of the problem is the first step toward healing. It’s a sure sign of your willingness to work on yourself. If you realize that you quarrel with people, even in situations where they do not intend to hurt you, it’s time to change.

The following tips will help you deal with the difficult feeling of resentment.

Start a diary to record your emotions. Write down how your mood changes throughout the day and note the things that affect your mood swings. When someone or something offends you, record that fact on the same day, detailing exactly why you were annoyed. After a while you’ll be able to identify the main sources of annoyance and separate contrived resentments from actual ones.
Recognize that it affects your health. Researchers from Stanford University in the U.S. conducted a social study and found that people who healed long-standing trauma and resentment (alone or with the help of a psychotherapist), also got rid of migraines, back pain and insomnia.
Plan your day ahead. If you are constantly busy with your favorite work, hobbies and socializing with nice people, there is simply no time for resentment. Remove from your schedule all the “windows” during which you can remember old grudges and feel sad. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t need to rest. If in the evening you want to watch an interesting series with a cup of coffee, put it in your schedule.
A healthy body makes a healthy mind. Get physically active! It is proved that sports are an excellent way to relieve stress and release accumulated negative energy. It can be yoga, fitness or a morning jog. Try it, and you’ll see – being in a cheerful mood and you will not feel so much emotional stress.
Revise your social circle. List on one sheet of all those people with whom you like and feel comfortable to communicate, who listen to you and support. On the other – those who cause irritation, embarrassment, and are constantly trying to hurt you. Reduce communication with people from the second list to an acceptable minimum. If you think that leaves you too little social contact, then think about where you can find friends of interest.

How do you let go of the painful past and start living in the present?

Getting rid of old psychological traumas is often very difficult. They are a burden on the soul, forcing you to go over and over your traumatic experience in your head.

The first 5 small steps will help you to let go of the past and begin to move on:

Become aware of the here and now. Don’t make plans for the past. Don’t try to rewrite old history-it’s impossible. Take stock of what happened to you and start a new page in your life.
Realize that everyone has the right to make mistakes. If you realize that you have hurt someone badly and and that guilt… For a long time, ask for forgiveness and admit your guilt, even if it’s been a while. Find a way to get in touch with the person and talk. If all contact has been lost, switch to caring for others by giving your warmth and love to someone who needs it. If you have been wronged, realize that suffering today will not change the situation in the past.
Stop having regrets. You can blame yourself indefinitely for wasting time on the wrong person, working in the wrong place, or hanging out with the wrong company. Blaming yourself for the mistakes of your youth is an extremely destructive feeling that prevents you from looking at the situation in a sensible way. Accept what happened as an experience, thanks to which you will protect yourself from misdeeds in the future.
Let the feelings out. If the pain of the offense is still fresh and strong – don’t let the negative emotions burn you from the inside – let them come out. Yell, cry, punch a pillow, or go for a run. Choose any method that makes you feel relieved and cleansed.
Learn to enjoy yourself. Instead of regretting the difficult past, make sure your present is comfortable and your future is one of anxious anticipation, not anxiety. If you have long wanted to try something, but never dared, now is the time. Change your hair, find your style of dress, sign up for a language course or dedicate yourself to extreme sports. A home makeover, replacing boring furniture, and uncluttering your closet can help a lot. When the present is full of bright events and new experiences, there is no time for worries of the past. Useful article on this topic.

Conclusion

The ability to forgive, even when the person is very guilty before you and easily let go – that’s the real power of the spirit! It’s not easy to develop, but it’s also hard to live with the weight of resentment. Stop resenting and worries – means freeing your life from unnecessary worry, stress, and illness.

With love and faith in you, Maria Shakti.