How to get rid of jealousy and give up control

What is the nature of jealousy? Why are we jealous of those who do not cheat on us? How to heal pathological jealousy and cope with this negative feeling? Let’s look into it!

In the movies, jealousy scenes look beautiful, passionate and romantic – in life, such situations bring nothing but resentment and disappointment. Jealousy is a rather destructive emotion. It is based on insecurity and a sense of possessiveness, spiced with unhealthy selfishness. I’ve already written about constructive self-love I’ve already written about constructive self-love in this article..

Contents

Jealousy and its ancient roots

There is a hypothesis that jealousy is a natural psychological mechanism, thanks to which people learned to create monogamous unions.

At the beginning of our existence, we were like animals and lived only by our instincts: we cared for food, the continuation of our species, and the protection of our own territory. But then the situation changed: jealousy forced members of the stronger sex to protect their women from contact with other men.

Of course, before, there was no moral reason: it was only the protection of their own territory and offspring. Then, step by step, to this feeling was added the understanding that partnership is pleasant, convenient and profitable for both. The man knows that a “keeper of the hearth” and mother of his children is waiting for him at home. The woman, on the other hand, knows that she has a protector and provider on whom she can rely. В my recent article you can learn about the causes and nature of this negative emotion.

The psychology of modern man has become much more complex and multifaceted, there are many new components:

insecurity in his own competitiveness;
desire to possess and manipulate another person;
fear of losing control of the situation;
mistrust of a partner (grounded or unfounded)
unwillingness to accept new circumstances;
disrespect for another person’s personal space.

As in the past, so now at the heart of feelings of jealousy is the fear that the partner will decide to end the relationship or will leave for another/other, will cease to be a support and support.

Jealousy can be directed not only at the lover, but also at a friend, colleague, or parent.

At the same time, the mistrustful person is not always jealous of the potential lover/follower. He may feel resentment toward his companion’s friend, parents, work, hobbies, etc.

7 Causes of Jealousy Born in Childhood

Jealousy does not appear out of nowhere – more often than not, its roots go deep into childhood.

Improper upbringing. Sometimes a parent, without realizing it, can cause his child a psychological trauma that will stretch on him through life. For example, a girl who grew up in a single-parent family and constantly hearing from his mother, who was not able to pay for her child’s well-being. from her mother mother’s constant hearing of phrases that denigrate her father’s name will become neurotic. She will mistrust the man, even if he will be the perfect partner and family man.
Traditional values. Everyone has heard these phrases: “If he beats you, he loves you”, “Jealous he loves you”, “Men are polygamous creatures”, “In our time no one ever got a divorce”. Attitudes toward marriage as a sacrificial duty often lead to moral dissatisfaction, disappointment, and, as a consequence, to jealousy.
The honors syndrome. If a child has been given the attitude that he must be the best in order to receive parental love (to do well in school, receive diplomas, participate in competitions), he will carry this over into adulthood as well. His relationship with the opposite sex will be an attempt to eliminate all competitors and to please himself.
Gender stereotypes. “You act like a boy,” “Put on a dress, you’re a girl,” “If you don’t learn to cook, no one will marry you,” “Why are you whining like a girl?” – A child who regularly hears these stereotypical phrases from his parents begins to doubt his own attractiveness simply because his behavior does not fall within the generally accepted framework.
Indecisiveness. “Nothing here is yours,” “As long as I provide for you, you have no right,” “No one asked for your opinion” – another set of phrases that devalues the child as an individual and makes him spend his life frantically searching for landmarks and ground under his feet.
Sense of Unneededness. Sometimes a mother, in an effort to humiliate her father or her mother, acts through the child. “Your father Your father sent me for an abortion”, “Grandma doesn’t care about you – she doesn’t like you to visit her. It develops hypochondria and makes you doubt the sincerity of the words of loved ones throughout life.”
Painful sibling relationships. A large proportion of pathological jealous people grew up in families where they loved the other kid more. It also happens that a mother remarries, gives birth to another child and the older one no longer feels needed and important. Unless a parent makes an effort to change his mind, the feeling that at any moment he could lose his own family will persist on a subconscious level.

Childhood traumas are the most common cause of mental disorders. Only the advice of a psychologist can help eliminate them.

Jealousy as a sign of fear

Fear is a significant part of feelings of jealousy. This can only be understood by the way people describe their destructive feelings: “I’m afraid that he does not love me,” “I’m afraid to leave my children without a father,” “I’m afraid that he will meet someone better than me,” “I’m afraid of loneliness.

You can’t get rid of jealousy without admitting it: all people are afraid of something: unacceptance, moral dissatisfaction, betrayal, lying. These are perfectly normal emotions, if you don’t hyperbolize them and make them absolutes.

When a person is jealous, he has fear as one of his defense mechanisms: “Your future is in danger – act.

It is very important to learn self-analysis. In this case, stop the train of raging thoughts and ask yourself:

What am I really afraid of?
What will happen if this happens?
What is the likelihood of this outcome?
Can I get out of it without harming myself?
Do I have reason not to trust this person?

In most cases, the answers to these questions reveal a true view of the picture and an understanding that things are not so bad.

Jealousy of past relationships

Jealousy of the past is almost always a person’s insecurity about their own worth and competitiveness. There are three questions that go through your mind incessantly:

Was my ex-husband/wife better than me?
Was my ex-husband/wife more important than me?
Does he/she compare me to a former partner?

This emotion also has three variations:

Jealousy of the wife. Neurotic girls often see their man’s ex-wife as a rival. After all, she was once so dear to him that he made her a marriage proposal. She shared his household, and maybe even bore him children. Do not be jealous of a man, knowing that someone else has taken a place of the main woman in his life, it is very difficult. Especially if there are Problems with self-esteem..
Jealousy of the girl. An ex-girlfriend is also perceived as a competitor, but of a “lower rank” than his wife. Jealous girls often find out all the information about the exes of their chosen one, follow their life on the Internet, find out details of their biography, not always being aware of why they do it.
Jealousy of her husband/boyfriend. A man with low self-esteem has a hard time accepting the fact that his chosen one has had serious romantic relationships before him. Often this translates into recriminations and taunts, behind which is a lack of confidence in his competitiveness. He fears that the ex may be better than him physically, financially, or or sexually..

The reason for this condition is an obsessive desire to take first place in the partner’s life, to have the highest value. Even if this is the case, the jealous man does not notice the reciprocal love. He has his own view of the world, which is based on past negative experiences of relationships with the opposite sex or faulty parenting.

Sometimes jealousy of the past becomes an excuse for manipulation. For example, a man may reproach his beloved that she did not marry him as a virgin, or a woman reminds her lover of his “turbulent youth. Relationships with such a person are destructive to the psyche.

It is useless to fight with jealousy on your own in this case. Reasons for arguments will arise even “in an empty place”. Passionate clarification of relations is an attempt to assert oneself at the expense of humiliating the opponent. Unfortunately, only an experienced family psychologist can help with this. To cope with jealousy of a past relationship is to stop competing with a phantom rival.

Jealousy as insecurity

To summarize, the main problem of all jealous people is a damaged self-esteem. The fear that the chosen one simply will not be faithful to such an unworthy person and will go to someone better, makes many unflattering and unconsidered actions. Scandals, surveillance, phone and social media checks are exhausting not only for the victim of jealousy, but also for the jealous.. Realizing that things have gone too far is not enough to overcome jealousy – it takes a long and hard work, working on your self-esteem step by step.

How to improve your self-esteem and stop jealousy?

Not everyone can dare to go straight to a psychologist to work through their problems. This is normal. You should not blame yourself for this – it is difficult to tell a stranger about your inner feelings and mental wounds. For starters, try to take a few small steps on your own:

Get rid of toxic interlocutors. If your social circle is a person who is constantly criticizing you, belittling and devaluing all your achievements – he is not your friend. Spend as little time as possible with him, even if it’s your relative.
Be kind to yourself. Stop speaking negatively about yourself. Even if you weigh more than you would like, or did less work than planned. Psychologists believe that this attitude to his own person generates not only complexes, but also problems in socialization.
Stop comparing yourself. Perhaps the most relevant advice for complexed jealous. Recognize that you are one of a kind, not worse or better than other people. Draw a parallel only to yourself from the past.
Step out of your comfort zone. Do unconventional things. Start small: try your hand at creativity, go out for a morning jog, talk to a stranger first, visit an unfamiliar coffee shop, wear something you would not have dared before. Opportunities to get out of the usual circle of routine will appear and disappear all the time – learn to seize the moment.
Self-realize. If you do not have enough reasons for pride – create them. For example, start learning a foreign language, buy a membership to a fitness club, go on a trip, etc. Before you know it, your life will be filled with new colors.
Don’t forget your accomplishments.. Even if you’ve done something minor, write it down or mentally praise yourself. “Promotion received – I did a great job,” “I didn’t miss a single workout this week – I did great.” If verbal affirmation isn’t enough for you – buy a nice gift or treat yourself to a treat.

How do you learn not to be jealous?

Relationships without jealousy and scandals – a union built on absolute trust. In a truly strong relationship there is no place for shyness and incompetence.People are not afraid to seem weak, funny, stupid and or defenseless, because they are confident that the closest person will understand and not betray their feelings. This is a kind of refuge for two, where there are no secrets, secrets and speculation. The partners are comfortable together, but at the same time each of them has the right to personal opinion and space.

The relationship with the jealous man is like an ongoing war. The atmosphere in the house is heated to the limit. Attempts to get something personal are perceived in the “hostility” – the phone is checked for new contacts, any delay from work is perceived as a potential adultery.

Frankness is also out of the question: every word can be used against you, and every request for help will be showered with a lot of counter-questions.

Gradually, a chasm forms between the lovers, and alienation replaces the pleasure of the relationship.

Psychologists have concluded that unjustified jealousy often leads to betrayal. It is morally difficult for a person to listen to accusations of something he did not do, and so he decides to conform to his “bad” image.

If you realize that your relationship is more like the second option than the first, it’s time to work on yourself. And here’s what you can do to do that:

Get rid of the fear. Stop worrying about what can happen and getting yourself worked up. If your young man is 10 minutes late from work – do not imagine him in the passionate arms of a colleague. More often than not, it’s only happening in your head. If some of the nuances of your partner’s behavior you do not understand – ask him directly about it.
Stop putting moral pressure on your lover. This point arises from the previous one – recognize that the person does not have to answer to you and make excuses for what he was not at fault.
Don’t look for entertainment in quarrels. Sometimes jealousy serves as a way to bring some passion and drama to a familiar life. Of course, most relationships, one way or another, become more predictable and relaxed over time, but fighting is not the best way to stir up emotions. Find fun things to do together, go on a date to reminisce about the time when your love was just budding.
Change the way you feel about yourself. As mentioned earlier, jealousy is a sign that you are afraid of competition. It seems to you that all the girls/men around you are better than you in every way, and if you were in your partner’s place, the choice would not be made in your favor. Understand and accept that in spite of all the variety of potential relationships, your chosen one preferred you. This means that you are interesting, attractive and important.
Fall in love with yourself. Treat yourself as you would like to be treated by your lover. Be careful: don’t do anything you wouldn’t like to do, don’t allow yourself to be overworked, give yourself nice gifts. Learn to have a good time alone if you want others to see you as pleasant company, too.
Don’t draw parallels. It’s likely that you’ve already had a traumatic relationship where you were betrayed, heartbroken, cheated on, and humiliated. Undoubtedly, it leaves a big scar on your heart. But do not think that all members of the opposite sex are a threat to you.
Don’t be jealous of inanimate objects. Work and hobbies can not compete with you. Do not throw tantrums if you lack attention and love. Be honest about your feelings to your partner and try to find a compromise.
Accept that everyone has a past. Your partner may have dated someone before you. It is quite possible he has children from a previous marriage. You have no right to reproach your partner for what he did before you met. Moreover, you should not forbid him to see his children. Unlike your wife, children cannot be “exes”-a child from a previous marriage has the same rights as your joint child.
Recognize the right to personal time and space. If you are a couple, that doesn’t mean you are one. Everyone has the right to be alone with their thoughts and do what they like.
Love is about equality, not adulation. In the first place you should be best friends, and only then lovers. A healthy relationship is built on equality and mutual respect. Your partner does not have to put you on a pedestal.

Is there family life after cheating?

It is not uncommon when a couple decides to try to start over after a breakup and cheating. But what to do with soul-crushing wounds? How to restore the old confidence? If you decide that no matter what you want to save the family – adhere to the following rules:

Ask all the worrying questions. Calm down and accept the fact that everything has happened. Find out from your loved one why he or she did what he or she did. What was his motivation? What was he missing? Make sure he or she understands the guilt and is willing to seriously work on the relationship.

If you’ve already forgiven your partner, resist the temptation to bring up the affair every chance you get to belittle him. This will only inflame the situation and, sooner or later, lead to a new breakup.

Take care of yourself. A little healthy selfishness and love for yourself won’t hurt. Take care of yourself, develop yourself, and do everything you can to please yourself first. Remember that you are valuable and attractive, and just because you decided to renew the relationship with the person does not mean that you are not interesting to someone else.
Stop doubting yourself. If the infidelity is already forgiven – start trusting your spouse as well as before. Stop doubting the validity of your decision. Enjoy what you have in common.
Do not blame yourself for your feelings. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Infidelity is a shock and a psychological trauma that cannot be cured in one day. Identify your emotions: Write down or say out loud “I am hurt,” “I am confused,” “I am scared,” and try to make a causal connection. If you notice and understand your feelings, they will lose power over your life.
Stop remembering and imagining. It’s very difficult to avoid intrusive fantasies when you’ve been cheated on. In the head spinning scenes of an erotic nature with your chosen one and his mistress. It is even more difficult for those who witnessed the betrayal. Try to go from the opposite: imagine traumatic scene in all the details, and then imagine that delete it from their memories, as would delete a photo from your computer. If this is too traumatic for you – seek help from a psychologist.
Soberly see your relationship for what it is. What is your love based on? Have you always been comfortable and interested together? Why did you fall in love with this person? The psyche is built in such a way that we often see what we want rather than what is really there. Try not to idealize or tarnish the image of your partner. Understand that he is a normal person, with its own advantages and disadvantages.

Family psychologists say that people who have experienced betrayal of a loved one tend to idealize the relationship before the betrayal, although in fact the couple had problems from the beginning.

Don’t try to be perfect. Many women, getting back together with a man, begin to try hard to prove to him that she – perfect. They go grueling diets, meeting at the doorstep in sexy lingerie and other attempts to curry favor. The result – they give the cheater reason to think that you are clinging to him, as a last hope to escape loneliness.
Don’t be ashamed of your reaction. It is quite possible that when you found out about the betrayal, you threw a tantrum, said a lot of nasty things, and maybe even put up a fight. You shouldn’t be ashamed that you didn’t behave properly or soberly when you were betrayed.
Understand your partner’s role.. Answer honestly – was your reunion a mutual decision? You shouldn’t try to build an alliance with someone who doesn’t want it. It is likely that your partner’s feelings have cooled, and he is ready to move on, but without you.
Do not force yourself. This is probably the most important rule. Think about why you got back together with this man – because you want to, or because it is necessary (ashamed before children, relatives, do not want to lose privileges). Believe me – a relationship built only on the benefits, pity, or fear can not grow into something more. Even if you feel like you’ll be alone and no one else will want you – do what you want – leave. Starting over is morally easier than trying to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you or even try to change.

Conclusion

No one can convince a jealous man that he is wrong, just as nothing can change his attitude towards the object of jealousy. Only he can do this by working through their own complexes and feelings. Here we have considered the most effective methods of getting rid of jealousy – this negative emotion. Be happy.

With love. Always yours, Maria Shakti