The father is the first man a girl sees if she is growing up in a full family. And the way he shows himself will largely determine her attitude toward the opposite sex.
I’m on my website lifeinheart.com. decided to look into what a real father should be to his daughter. How does a woman who grew up in a single-parent family feel? How to mend her relationship with her father and let go of old grudges.? The answers to these and many other questions in this article!
The role of the father in raising his daughter
As soon as she stands on her feet, the little girl begins to copy the behavior of her mother: to adopt her habits, tastes, gestures and facial expressions. Imitating the person she spends 90% of her time with helps her identify. Her daddy, with his otherness, makes her genuinely curious. The little girl tries to understand how it is possible to communicate with this native, but at the same time incomprehensible person? The father-daughter relationship plays a big role in the upbringing and formation of personality.
According to sociological studies, women who grew up in complete families where father and mother took an equal active part in the life of the child are much less likely to suffer from an inferiority complex and get involved in dependent relationships.
So what is the father’s role in raising his daughter?
- The “basic” male template. A man is stronger physically than woman he wears very different clothes, has different habits. These simple truths a girl learns from her father. His task is to show his daughter that a woman and a man can coexist harmoniously in spite of their differences.
- An untouchable authority. His words are perceived as a law that can not be broken for their own good. It’s important to understand that it’s not about intimidation, it’s about wise counseling.. If a girl lived her entire childhood in fear of her own father, she is likely to carry this over into adulthood as a model of behavior with men. The role of the “tyrant victim” will be perceived as the norm. If there was no father or his reputation was severely damaged, then the girl will live her whole life in an unconscious search for male authority.
- An example of a “life partner.” This point is closely related to the previous two. A girl who grew up in a family where her father could not be called the standard of morality (cheater, drunkard, slacker, irresponsible) all her life will subconsciously seek a solution to this problem through relationships with difficult men.
Paradoxically, it is most often the father who influences the formation of femininity in his daughter. After all, he more often allows her to fool around, jump, run, and play moving games. This pastime loosens her up – she sees how daddy moves, and the girl sees the main physical differences.
- Participant in a complete trio of – Mom, dad, and daughter. Sometimes with the arrival of a baby young parents forget what they had in common. They put their feelings for each other on the back burner, as well as their desires and ambitions. You could say that they turn into a kind of “faceless” attendants. This is a fundamentally wrong attitude, which leads to a distorted view of marriage.. The family will become a harmonious trio only if both parents will be directly involved in the life of the daughter, not forgetting about their own. At the same time they must understand that satisfaction of natural needs is not the same as parenting.
How does a father raise his daughter? 10 signs of a good father
Men sometimes find it difficult to understand women, and that is perfectly normal. Mature people can always find a compromise through equal discussion, which cannot be said about the relationship between fathers and children. How should a good father behave, on whose shoulders rests the care of his little daughter? Let’s look at the basic behavioral patterns:
- Demonstrates love and respect for all family members.. Is not afraid to show his tender feelings for his spouse, takes care of his parents.
- Does not avoid tactile contact .. He cuddles, strokes the head and kisses the baby when she needs attention and affection.
- Appreciates time spent with the family .. Actively participates in discussions and listens, not just physically present.
- Is a reliable support .. Able to create an impregnable fortress from the hearth of the home. Always sticking up for her daughter when she needs it.
- Provides support in difficult life situations and helps with advice. Gives a “sense of elbow” even when circumstances turn against her daughter.
- He is good at spotting. In an all-encompassing sense, he praises her for her efforts in her studies, sports and art, compliments her on her new hairstyle or smart dress.
- He does not break personal boundaries. A wise father will never read his daughter’s personal diary, turn out her pockets and the contents of her backpack to learn something about her life. He knows how to have a casual and open dialogue with her. As she gets older, he gives her more and more freedom.
- Knows who her daughter is interacting with. Treats acquaintances of his daughter in a friendly and welcoming manner, talks to her sincerely about relationships so that she knows how to tell the difference between real friends and those who manipulate her.
- Talks to her about the relationship between a man and a woman. The conversation should not be solely about sexuality, virginity, and birth control. Father and teenage daughter should sometimes talk like friends: in a trusting and non-judgmental way. The parent must impress upon the girl that she is important and valuable as a person and that she should not do things she does not want to do, much less tolerate inappropriate treatment of herself.
- She listens to her daughter’s opinion and is able to accept a point of view different from her own. Especially if the daughter is an adult. Neither parent should impose their own picture of the world on their independent and adult child.
Daddy’s love for his daughter is a sincere and unselfish feeling that does not fade over the years. Its presence and ways of manifesting it greatly affect a woman’s life.
Father and daughter – 5 types of destructive relationships
It also happens that the fatherly image causes only negative associations in the daughter. What actions of the father can make a grown woman get lost in her own emotions and seek an answer from a therapist? Let’s look into it!
Childhood psychological trauma is the most common cause of neuroses, complexes and prolonged depression.
The Father Who Wasn’t There
It also happens that people divorce, and the man leaves not only the woman he once loved, but also his child. Or the girl has never seen her biological father at all.
Girls faced with this problem feel lost and there are two outcomes:
- Closeness. Distrust or even fear of the opposite sex. This is especially exacerbated if the mother sets her daughter against her father, incessantly talking about what a scoundrel he is, generalizing her impression of the failed relationship with phrases like “they are all like this”, “they only need one” and so on to infinity. In the end, the mother may unknowingly push her daughter into a relationship with an abuser. After all, Why look for someone who will appreciate and love you if all men behave the same way?
- The status of the eternal mistress. Girls who have never known paternal love may subconsciously gravitate toward men much older than themselves. And it’s fine if it’s just a warm liking and obedience to a teacher or a boss. In most cases, however, it may end in an affair with an older, married man and forever being an addict or mistress..
What to Do?
Avoid such an outcome by Give your daughter the opportunity to see or at least once to meet her father, so she fills the missing gap. If for some reason this is not possible, the mother should find an example of a reliable man for her daughter. This could be a grandfather, an uncle, or just a family friend.
The father is the “Snow King.”
Cold, detached, unemotional – attention and praise from such a father must be earned, but in what ways it should be done – even he does not know. A daughter can win school competitions, go for the gold medal, and even cook him the tastiest breakfasts-the parent will take it for granted, drawing attention only to shortcomings.
“You don’t try hard enough,” “You’ve gained a lot of weight lately,” “I’m ashamed of you in front of your friends.” – The father humiliates and insults his daughter, overshadowing with scathing phrases all the good things of childhood.
In most cases this leads to the fact that the girl gets used to such a pattern of behavior, and even as a girl, subconsciously attracted to the cold, inaccessible and cruel men.
What to do?
A psychologist can solve the problem of dependence on a tyrant or independent work on self-esteem. Also, a woman who found herself in this situation, do not interfere to revise its circle of communication and exclude all the people who inspire her sense of shame and duty.
Daddy without a voice
Girls who grew up in a matriarchal family face a lot of unanswered questions. Why look for your soulmateIf all the important decisions are always taken by one party – the mother?? What is the meaning of marriage and relationships? As a result, the father (and in principle, the man) is presented to her as a faceless, initiative-less being who just exists because “that’s the way it’s supposed to be. He makes no key decisions, does only what his wife tells him to do, and never expresses his opinion.
What to do?
A girl who grows up in a family like this needs to do what her mother never did: make friends with the men, find out what they live and are interested in and see them as full and personalities. Open girls who know how to listen easily find a worthy life partner.
The father is a unique ideal.
His neighbors adore him, his friends set him as an example, and his mother says that there is no second such man in the world. In public he always turns into the perfect head of the family. To a little girl, such a father is seen as a deity. But unfortunately, in 90% of cases, it is only an image that helps “hold up a mark” in society, and behind it hides a completely different person.
As a result, the daughter begins to be tormented by very ambivalent emotions. On the one hand, she saw what should be the ideal man, on the other hand, she realizes that behind the “role model” may hide a regular pretender. As a result, she grows up in a hypochondriac young lady who will be very difficult to get rid of the idea that her suitor, even if he is the sweetest and kindest man in the world, may not be the man he claims to be.
What to do?
Recognize a simple truth: everyone is different. And every guy deserves a chance to prove his true intentions.
The father who dreamed of a son
Daddy loves his daughter and at the same time he has unconcealed disappointment and boredom written all over his face. Everything “girlish” in the house is perceived as a mute reproof of his inadequacy. The daughter, who is not guilty of anything at all, feels that she has upset her father in some way.. Sometimes he voices his thoughts: “Oh, how I wished I had a son. He would have been like a friend to me – we would have gone fishing and playing soccer together.
Or he projects his unrealized desire onto his daughter: he buys her “boyish” toys, clothes, and supports her interest in “male” hobbies. And the daughter is only too happy to try to at least somehow get her father’s praise. And as a result, she’s got serious identity issues.tendency to misogyny and complexes at puberty, when secondary sexual characteristics begin to appear.
What to do?
The father needs psychotherapy and working through his own complexes. The daughter, who grew up in similar conditions, could also use work with a specialist. She needs to accept herself and realize that she doesn’t need to become a guy or look like one to earn love and acceptance.
A father beats his daughter. How does physical punishment affect a child’s psyche?
It is very hard for a woman who grew up under the patronage of an abusive father to shed the burden of victimhood and take a sober look at her own life. Scolding, spanking, and even real blows leave an indelible mark on her psyche.
To understand the emotional state of a child, you can draw an analogy with wildlife. An animal, when attacked, runs away, bites, scratches, seeks shelter. It has a simple motivation – to survive. But what is a little girl to do when she is “hunted” by her own father? The very man who is supposed to protect her?
Of course, the first thing she will do is to seek for support from her mother.. But what kind of protection can she expect from her if she has already allowed herself to be raised in this way? She may take her father’s side, ignore what is happening, or only sorrowfully apologize for failing to protect her.
In most cases tyrants are lived with by weak and dependent women who lack both the moral strength and the means for an autonomous existence. They are broken. Even if the problems in the family are pointed out by someone bystander, such a woman will deny with all her might what is happening: “The father punished his daughter for bad behavior!”, “You got it all wrong!”
The world is crumbling in the eyes of such a girl. She grows up with a sense of total injustice and devastation. As she grows older, with the ability to self-analyze, she begins to develop complexes. “How come others have normal families-mommy, daddy, and daughter. They love each other. Why doesn’t anyone love me? Am I any worse than anyone else?” She begins to be haunted by the obsessive thought that she is not worthy of good treatment.
Physical violence is inappropriate in parenting if you want to raise a mentally healthy and wholesome person!
Remarkably, most daughters of tyrants confessed to a therapist that one look or stern word from their father was enough to make the blood freeze in their veins. He did not have to hold a belt at all.
And now the girl has grown up, what kind of relationship she may have with those around her? There are two patterns of behavior:
- The uncomplaining victim. When confronted with cruelty, she becomes numb. Her subconscious tells her “don’t fight it, or it will be worse. Because of this attitude, a girl can fall into many kinds of abusive relationships. She will not be able to resign from an oppressive boss, stop communicating with a manipulative girlfriend, or divorce her husband, an exact copy of her father. Her life is a great unconscious attempt to solve the inner conflict and to prove to herself that such a relationship can be turned to her own advantage, but as a rule, it does not work out.
- Warrior Woman. The father hates his daughter, but instead of breaking under his onslaught, she becomes stronger and more resilient. The girl grows up with an understanding: one must achieve absolute power in order to gain immunity. As a result, she avoids relationships, preferring them to career advancement and competition with men. Or her partner becomes a physically weak, spineless guy who “definitely won’t hurt”. But at the same time it’s hard to call him a man: he is dependent on his partner both morally and financially.
But do not forget that Violence can be not only physical but also moral. If the father constantly insults the adult daughter and treats her contemptuously, it should not be surprising that she will be reluctant to leave her grandchildren with her parents. The woman will do everything in her power to avoid contact with the man who devalued all of her achievements and made her doubt her own value.
7 reasons when the daughter and father do not get along because of the mother
Dad and daughter is a union that largely influences the perception of the world and relationships in the adult woman. But often the completeness of this union is broken by the mother. In what way? There are Seven main reasons:
- Programming for the skills of the perfect wife. From childhood a little girl hears: “If you do not learn to clean the floor, no one will marry you”, “Be neat, you are a girl, no groom will look at you like that”, “Who will want you, if you can’t even make soup? There’s nothing wrong with being neat, cooking, and cleaning the apartment. But Such a presentation forms in a girl a flawed view of men: I will be loved only if I am able to serve.
- Tabooing sexual topics. As soon as her daughter crosses the threshold of adolescence, many mothers begin to repeat: “You have to be unavailable!”, “They all want only one thing”, “I don’t need you to bring me in a hem! The girl picks up the general leitmotif of these phrases: men are rapists, aggressors, sex is dirty and promiscuous. The older she gets, the more clearly she feels sexual desire, which she perceives as something shameful against the background of her mother’s prohibition.
Sexual illiteracy is the most common cause of early teen pregnancy and STDs. An honest conversation will help avoid a lot more problems than a strict lockdown.
- Pressing the subject of marriage and children. This mistake is dissonant with the second one, which puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the psyche. Barely a girl comes out of adolescence, full of inhibitions, restrictions and suppression of her own emotions, as she is informed: The secret to a woman’s happiness – A husband, a home and a family. And ideally, all of this should be acquired as soon as possible – before the age of 25, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: first, a girl lives for years with the idea that men are horny, sex is dirt, and the child “brought in the hem” is a disgrace, and now she is insistently demanding all of this. She experiences a traumatic substitution of concepts that is often fraught with the loss of her own ambitions and desires. After all, why want something, why strive for anything, if her only place in this world is with a man. That’s how my father and mother live, which means that I have nowhere to go.
- Hypercustody. Between the ages of 14 and 16, a mentally healthy teenager goes through a natural process of separation. The girl is starting to feel like a grown-up girl and wants to make her own decisions. She should be given this opportunity, as long as the choice does not concern issues of life and health. If she grows up under her mother’s “heel,” she will assert the idea that she is simply not adapted to an autonomous existence.
- Formation of a negative image of the father. It happens that a woman who is angry at the father of her children, begins to denigrate his image in every possible way. She may tell the girl about what a worthless head of the family, how little money he earns, or even accuse her of being like him “What are your interests? You’re just like your father!” If a daughter was turned against her father when she was a child. it will be hard for her to accept him back into her heart, even if the parents reconcile.
- Intimidation of paternal retribution. “When your father comes home from work, he’ll give you a hard time!”, “You have no idea what awaits you when I tell your father! – The mother utters these phrases in the hope of “reining in” her delinquent daughter, but in the end she makes a double mistake. First, she destroys her own authority, and second, she She recognizes her father as a tyrant capable only of corporal punishment and approves of his position.
- Clarifying relationships in front of his daughter. No child should see his parents fighting. And especially should not be the judge in this process. But it often happens that the mother engages her daughter on emotion: “Did you hear what your father said?”, “Come and tell me whose side you’re on.” The girl stops feeling that her home, is a comfortable and safe place, and that her parents can be trusted.
Parents CANNOT play “good cop and bad cop” with their child. The mother and father must solve problems together and follow the same parenting techniques.
How do you solve problems in communicating with your father?
Sometimes the words parents choose to use to communicate sound so harsh that it seems as if the father hates the adult daughter, disrespects her, and devalues her. In this guide, we have compiled the most effective tips by which the adult daughter and father can learn to have a painless relationship with each other. I also recommend an article on How to get rid of hate..
- See a positive intention. For example, you have decided to change jobs, and your father tells you, “You can’t do it,” “People like you are not welcome there!” It sounds insulting, but you try to ask again: “Do I understand correctly that you’re worried about me and want to support me?? Sometimes you can hear sincere words of concern through loud and rude phrases.
- Appreciate the concern and stand up for yourself. A father says, “You’re 27 now and you’re still single, come on!” It’s crushing and depressing, especially if you don’t realize the nature of this phenomenon. More often than not, older people hold conservative views about being and family. It’s hard for them to get in touch with their adult children’s ambitions. Try to stem the tide of lamentation about your inadequacies with one phrase: “Dad, I really appreciate your concern and see that you’re worried. But I’m doing fine, and I’m happy-you don’t have to worry so much!”
- Express your feelings concretely. Never say generalized phrases like “You’re always not listening to me!”, “You’re always unhappy with everything!” – Justify them. For example: “I’m hurt that you didn’t hear my point of view regarding the university – it’s very important to me right now.” That’s how two people who respect each other solve problems.
- Don’t be shy about building personal boundaries .. It can be very difficult for a parent to realize that their child has grown up and has a right to personal space, interests, and time. For example, You can ask directly: “Dad, let’s agree that you’ll give me advance notice when you go to visit. I love you and I’m always happy to see you, but unannounced visits disrupt my plans and work schedule.. If your parent chooses to take offense at such a request and make you look like an ungrateful daughter who has abandoned her parents, that’s their choice. In fact, it’s not as scary as a complete loss of of control of your own life.
- Don’t tell what you don’t want advice about. Daddy is always Daddy – and your daughter will always be an unexcited little girl who needs to be taught everything. So tell him about your life in no uncertain terms.If you know that parental concern and guidance will be unnecessary.
- Be proactive.. If your father regularly interrupts you from your personal life with requests. Get ahead of him. Call him and ask if he needs help in the next few days. That way you’ll let him know you care and you can plan your personal time.
A healthy parent-child relationship is a tremendous effort on both sides. No matter how difficult it is for you, don’t give up. Keep a clear image in your head of how you would like to communicate with your dad and take the initiative to make it happen.
Conclusion
Women often suffer from childhood psychological trauma from destructive communication with their father. Often, the man didn’t even have any thoughts of harming his own child. He was only trying to act on his own abilities and upbringing.
Sometimes the realization that the father was also once a kid who was brought up wrong helps to let go of the resentment and understand his true motives.
