Jealousy and human psychology, signs and causes of jealousy

Jealousy is a combination of feelings such as insecurity, fear and mistrust, which is often presented as a manifestation of passionate attachment and unwillingness to share their partner with someone else. But if you drop the romantic veil, many questions arise.

What makes people jealous? Is a jealous person really capable of love? In his blog lifeinheart.com I decided to explore these questions in more detail.

Contents

Jealousy in Psychology

In terms of psychotherapy, jealousy is seen as a fear of loss and a painful desire to hold on to some good.

For example, in the explanatory dictionary of D.N. Ushinsky, jealousy is defined as a set of the following complex experiences:

A passionate doubt about the lover’s or lover’s fidelity;
insecurity and fear of being a lesser option compared to another potential partner;
Excessive diligence, zeal, diligence.

Feelings of jealousy are very close in their definition to envy and are subdivided into love, childhood, national, sports and creative.

In all cases, jealousy is considered not as an independent phenomenon, but as a component of feelings of love, when one or both lovers feel insecurity about the future and their own importance for the person they love.

In addition, jealousy can arise in people with owner syndrome, as a pathological desire to control all aspects of their partner’s life.

And there is also such a definition as “jealousy setting”. It is internal tension and a person’s readiness for the worst outcome of a relationship (infidelity, betrayal) even when nothing portends trouble. Often children who have experienced their parents’ divorce and people who have gone through a painful separation or divorce have this attitude.

Jealous – what does it mean?

To be jealous – it means to experience a whole range of conflicting feelings at the same time:

Doubt in yourself.In his competitiveness, in the ability to find someone else in the event of loss. A person with low self-esteem needs constant attention and hypercompensation for the emotions he is missing. He needs his partner to feel as dependent on the relationship as he does.
FearOf : loneliness, loss, uncertainty, being used.
Proud: believe that no one has the right to cheat, betray, leave and somehow infringe on rights and shake their comfort zone.
Envy: the person who is shown more attention feels deprived.
Showing selfishnessSelfishness: Putting one’s own desires and needs first, regardless of the circumstances. Taking and demanding without giving anything in return.

Jealous pride is closely intertwined with the fear of losing status and falling in one’s own eyes. Unwanted behavior of the partner is perceived as an infringement of own rights and boundaries.

Types of jealousy. Looking at the problem from different angles

In addition to the basic concept, the psychology of jealousy is divided into four subparts:

Reversed jealousy.. Simply put, a jealous person judges himself: he has no difficulty in hiding his cheating from his spouse, and yet he is tormented by the obsessive thought that he might be treated in the same way.
Innoculated Jealousy.. This type of jealousy comes from the children of nervous and unfaithful parents/influent families. Because the child has no other reference point for relationships, he takes them for granted and remembers that all men are unreliable (all women are unfaithful). And this problem is also common to people who grew up under the oppression of an oppressive parent. For example, a girl who spent her entire childhood listening to her mother say “all men only want one thing from you” will not be able to fully trust any partner.
Jealousy of the “adult woman” .. Women over 40 years old often begin to feel withering and uninteresting compared to the twenty-something fit girls. At the same time her man of the same age, on the contrary, feels more experienced and solid, compared to young penniless students. So it turns out that the spouse begins to live in a convulsive and jealous expectation that her husband, to whom “gray hair hits the head, and the devil – in the rib” will find her a young replacement.
Justified jealousy. Jealousy of this kind is synonymous with heartbreak. So it happens that people live together happily ever after in mutual respect and comfort until one of the spouses meets a new love. No one is safe from that. It is good if the partner, whose feelings have cooled down, will tell about it directly and will not lead a double life.

Normal or pathological?

Popular love dramas impose on young female viewers the idea “if there is jealousy, then there are feelings.” This is a rather controversial statement that, because of over-romanticization, drives people into abusive relationships with pathological jealousy.

Abusive is a psychological term for a relationship where one partner shows moral (and sometimes physical) pressure on the other. Manipulates by abusing one’s own position.

Jealousy is understandable and normal within reasonable limits, and if there are specific reasons. If the reason for a scandal is a five-minute delay from work, a harmless conversation with a colleague or a passing glance from a passerby, this is pathology.

And there is also the so-called jealous delusion: when the fact of infidelity or its prospects is only in the mind of a jealous person. His sick imagination and hypertrophied perception of reality makes him see the betrayal where there is none. This type of jealousy most often subjected to men. Perhaps you will be interested in the material about, What it means to be a real man..

As for women, then most often they are characterized by “love delusion” of the opposite nature. A girl with this disorder thinks that for all men around her she is desirable and desirable, and her personal object of admiration is simply embarrassed to show feelings for such a popular person, which eventually develops into imposing her society without regard to personal boundaries and norms of decency.

To summarize, jealousy is pathological when love is perceived as a confirmation of one’s importance in the eyes of others as well as in one’s own.

The pathological jealous person is not self-sufficient and has no stable self-esteem. If he does not receive affirmation of his own love and worth in standard ways, he becomes jealous or deliberately provokes a reaction from the outside.

Love or distrust?

Despite the fact that jealousy goes hand in hand with love, these concepts are not synonymous. So how do you distinguish love from mistrust? To illustrate, consider the behavior of two married couples in mundane and everyday situations.

Mistrust is one of the causes of jealousy

Example #1. At a party.

The spouses are attending a party. The wife strikes up a casual conversation with one of the male guests (about the weather, the guest of honor, etc.) The spouse also finds someone to talk to or joins in the casual conversation, maintaining a friendly tone and picking up on the spouse’s jokes.
Same situation: The spouse strikes up a conversation with the man, but rather abruptly the husband intervenes in their conversation. In some cases, the conflict may begin on the spot, but more often than not, the wife will get a disgruntled look and a scandal when she returns home.

Example #2. Meeting from work

The husband returns from work at the same time, but suddenly he is late without warning. The spouse calls him to find out what the reason is and when to heat up dinner.
Same situation: spouse is late getting home from work. His wife calls him at work and asks his boss what time he left the workplace. She asks her coworkers if he talked to anyone during the workday. When the husband returns home, he will be scandalized and reprimanded for being selfish.

Example #3. Personal space.

Spouses enjoy spending time together: going to the movies, attending social events or joint sections. If their interests diverge, everyone quietly goes about their business alone or in the company of friends/friends.
Spouses are forced to spend all their free time together, as one of them believes that this is an example of an ideal relationship. The presence of own interests and tastes of either party is suppressed, meetings with girlfriends in cafes and trips with friends to soccer are perceived as betrayal.

Obviously, the behavior of the first couple is filled with love and trust, while the actions of the spouses from the second lack all common sense. The reasons for jealousy in all situations are far-fetched and are not due to anything other than the desire of one spouse to completely capture the attention and freedom of the other.

Male and Female Jealousy

Although jealousy is a feeling that occurs equally among men and women, it manifests itself somewhat differently, depending on the gender of the jealous.

Let us consider how men and women experience jealousy.

Male jealousy

Psychotherapists identify four internal and external factors on which male jealousy is based:

Low self-esteem.. A man believes that his girlfriend can easily find someone else who will be a better match in terms of looks or wealth.
Alcohol, drug or gambling addiction .. According to psychosociological studies, it has been found that men with addictions are more likely to be terribly jealous. Their unbalanced mental state causes them to seek pleasure in adrenaline release from all kinds of risks, including passionate swearing.
The possessive instinct. Any communication and attention from the opposite sex, or even a woman’s desire to communicate with her friends, is perceived by a man as a violation of personal boundaries.
Behavior of a female companion .. Often a woman herself can provoke her partner to jealousy by flirting with other men. Sometimes both partners perceive this as a kind of erotic game, but often this only makes the jealous more angry.

Female Jealousy

Female jealousy is characterized by the following manifestations:

Unrelenting vigilance.. This behavior can be compared to playing a private detective: wife constantly checks her husband’s phone for new contacts, creating fake accounts on social networks to “untwist” him to cheat, controlling every minute spent outside the home and work.
Filtering friends.. Her husband’s single friends are perceived by the jealous woman as potential temptresses who can introduce him to girls. Married – seem to be a threat to the usual household, as the spouse may see that someone is doing a better job of running the household than she is.
A public showdown.. Jealousy scenes in the store, in front of the children, family, on a visit, on a summer vacation. No norms of public behavior will stop a woman who wants to put her husband in his place.
Work as a rival.. When beloved at least a short delay at work, the jealous has already begun to draw in his head the scene of a tumultuous act of love with a colleague. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, and the woman constantly occupies an important phone line, going into the office “on the way” to check on what her spouse is doing. If the husband has a pretty assistant or secretary working for him, the jealous wife is sure to find a way to “drive” the potential competitor out of the workplace.

A jealous person is a vulnerable, fragile, and unstable person, regardless of gender. A person can overcome his condition only through introspection and long work on self-control.

5 types of behavior when jealousy is justified and the relationship is doomed to failure

Based on the above reading, you can conclude that jealousy is bad. It is a negative and personally destructive emotion that should be uprooted from yourself like the roots of a weed plant. But sometimes a partner’s attitude really does hurts and hurts your feelings..

The following five situations cause justifiable jealousy:

Flirting overtly with a member of the opposite sex. Harmless communication is very different from coquetry. Implicit compliments, attempts at physical contact, exchanging phones without apparent need.
Lack of support and empathy .. All your complaints about your well-being and requests for help in everyday life are ignored, while the request of a sympathetic colleague is fulfilled with lightning speed.
Leading a double life. Your companion refuses to tell you about any important moments in life, doesn’t talk about work, doesn’t introduce you to friends and parents despite the long duration of the relationship.
You are in last place after work, hobbies and friends .. Even if you haven’t seen each other for a long time – your partner will prefer to spend the evening in a bar with friends, or play a computer game, rather than communicate with you.
Restrictions on your spending or reckless spending of the family budget. This point applies to couples living together. The partner takes away your earnings without leaving any money for personal needs, or spends a large part of the family budget on personal entertainment and whims without asking your opinion.

If one or more of the points coincided with your relationship, think – is it not better to break this painful union, where you do not receive not only love but also human respect?

How to recognize a pathological jealous at the beginning of a relationship? 10 sure signs

Pathological jealousy is a trait that is better identified at the stage of “candy-boquetal” courtship. So you will be easier to break the relationship to protect yourself from domestic “Shakespearean passions.

Your lover – pathological jealous if:

He controls every aspect of your life.With whom you communicate, where you go in your spare time, what you do in social networks. And the control is sometimes undisguised, under the pretext that lovers should have everything in common.
It shapes your social circle.. If one of your friends or acquaintances do not like him, the jealous will persistently convince you to stop communicating or even set up a conflict.
Any deviation from the usual everyday rituals is a sign of cheating.. If you have a dead phone at the time when he usually calls, and the conversation did not take place. If you did not go to the nearest store for groceries, but went to the mall. If you smiled kindly at a stairway neighbor whom he had never met before. In any event, your loyalty will be questioned.
He keeps track of your movements throughout the day.. And it’s not just sweet concern and questions about how you got home — it’s manic stalking. Your partner knows what route you take, what cab service you use, where you usually get your coffee, and what your work schedule is. He knows all your phone numbers and those of your immediate circle, so he can contact you through them if you suddenly fall out of “reach.”
He asks you to prove your feelings by giving you an ultimatum.“Either me or your hobby!”, “What’s more important to you – me or your friends?”, “If you don’t stop talking to him – it means you don’t care about me.” If you heard these phrases, it means you are being manipulated.
He speaks unflatteringly about all his ex-girlfriends. He doesn’t hesitate to comment on their character and behavior. At this point, your potential partner is likely to try to convince you that you are not and will certainly understand him, in order to cement his position with your sense of self worth.
He is unsure of himself as a partner, but doesn’t try to change things. By manipulating phrases like “what if,” he tries to make himself sound more caring, but doesn’t really do any of those things. For example: “If I had the money now, I would take you to the edge of the world,” “I would earn a little more, I would give you flowers every day. Often with these phrases he makes himself out to be a prisoner of circumstances or a victim of the machinations of others.
He believes that monogamy is a relic of the past.. But the rule applies only to him.
Frequent and dramatic mood swingsFrom yelling and threatening to crying and begging for forgiveness, the jealous person switches sharply. From insults and contempt to gifts and vows of eternal love.
Suicidal manipulation.Threats to commit suicide in case of a breakup or to kill you and your new lover are another favorite lever of jealous pressure.

If you feel that your partner is manipulating you and that your communication with him or her makes you morally uncomfortable, end the relationship. Don’t think that “true love can fix everything.

These points apply equally to both men and women. Sure, at the height of a romantic relationship, jealousy can seem like a sign of strong interest or even an element of play. But what happens later, when the relationship becomes more serious? Will you be willing to live under unwavering control, to think through every gesture and word you say?

What does jealousy lead to? Mental and physical problems

The constant clarification of relationships based on jealousy can not only affect your mood, but also quite seriously undermine the quality of life.

Relationships in a couple become strained and nervous. The jealous partner feels like “on a powder keg” waiting for a new stream of reproaches and suspicions. This cools the fervor of love and, contrary to expectations, alienates the lovers from each other.

Even worse is when the child of the couple witnesses jealousy scenes. He can’t understand why mother и daddy who are supposed to love each other, yell and argue without paying any attention to him. This can seriously affect his psyche, making him withdrawn, withdrawn, and inhibited. According to sociological research, children who accidentally witnessed their parents’ adultery carry their shattered trust through life. They are much more likely to have difficulty building harmonious relationships.

In addition, the jealous person may unknowingly set his partner up for real adultery. After all, it is not as unpleasant to be punished for what you have done as it is to have to listen to constant accusations for something that only happened in your opponent’s imagination. Read more about guilt.

Finally, the fatal culmination is the breakup of the relationship. Sooner or later even the most patient and understanding person is tired of putting up with tantrums and groundless recriminations.

As for the physical condition, each outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to the nervous, cardiovascular and respiratory systems.

During a jealousy outburst, the brain goes through an overload similar to the shock of hearing about the death of a loved one.

The immune system under the onslaught of constant emotional shocks also weakens, as a result of which a pathological jealous person gets into the risk group for the development of the following diseases:

Anorexia nervosa;
Obesity or swelling due to hormonal failure;
frigidity/impotence;
stroke;
heart attack.

Why do people get jealous?

And now we will try to figure out what to do if the pathological jealous is yourself. Acknowledging the problem is the first step toward fixing it. The second step is to understand its nature.

So, where does this feeling come from? Why do you feel it? There may be several reasons:

You’re afraid of being alone.. You’re painfully holding on to relationships, constantly comparing yourself to other girls/men. Deep down, you think that your partner may leave at any moment, having realized that there are people in the world more worthy of love than you. I recommend this article on why love goes away..
You’re fixated on the past.. It’s hard for you to to accept the fact that your partner was in a serious relationship before you. Women tend to be jealous of their men who were previously married or in a long-term relationship, men tend to accuse their beloved of the former “loveliness.
You do not have enough attention .. Your object of admiration, by virtue of its employment and social involvement can not always spend time with you. Because of this there is a feeling of deprivation and obsessive thoughts and fantasies about infidelity.
You are susceptible to psychological “transference” .. You have experienced the betrayal of a loved one, caught the divorce of parents or close friends, and now every representative of the opposite sex you regard as a potential cheater.

Now that you know all the components of your condition, you can begin to adjust. Below is a detailed guide to action with which you can help yourself. I also recommend Material on working with anxiety and restlessness.

Fighting jealousy and trust as the key to strong love

Many women and men have their own idea of an ideal romantic relationship. But only a small part of people realize that to bring these ideals to life, a lot of effort is required. The key point is to work on mutual and unconditional trust.

Talk about your feelings.. People, even those closest to you, can not always intuitively guess what you like and what you do not. If the words or actions of your lover somehow hurt you – say so without scandal and emotion, and ask not to do so. Be straightforward and frank. This is not the case when you should use transparent innuendo.
Learn to listen.. When your partner begins to share his feelings with you – listen to him calmly and without emotion. The more information you learn, the easier it will be for you to work through the problem.
Learn how to prevent an argument. You probably remember the situations in which your soulmate gets nervous and frowns – so use this information. If you know that your beloved is worried when you are delayed at work – call and warn her if necessary. Learn to explain yourself before the explanation for your behavior is made up for you.
Don’t hesitate to ask questions.. If you have any doubts or suspicions, ask about it. For example, if you want to know what your spouse did while you were away on business, ask him how he spent his time. But remember that this should be a conversation, not an interrogation. Also, you shouldn’t keep bringing up your partner’s past – it just doesn’t make sense.
What will the conflict bring me? Ask yourself this question every time you are going to raise your voice to your partner. Remember that a person who speaks politely, measured and sedately looks more dignified than one who bursts into shouting and scolding.
Take an interest in your partner’s life and interests For example, if your partner loves computer games, ask him to tell you about the things that really attracted him to the game, its storyline, etc. You’ll see – he will appreciate such a manifestation of attention, because everyone likes to talk about what he really likes.
Don’t try to change the person to suit you. Of course, partners must learn to coexist in harmony and adjust to each other’s interests, but this does not mean a complete rejection of personal freedoms. If your chosen one does not suit you at the initial stage – think about whether to develop a relationship in which you will not be comfortable?
Protect your personal space and respect your partner’s right to be alone.. Don’t be rude or pushy. Learn to say, “I would like to be alone” instead of “leave me alone,” and don’t impose your company on the person you love.
Don’t lie and don’t let yourself be deceived. Remember that untruths always come out. You can’t build a healthy long-term relationship on lies, even for good.
Be grateful.. Say thank you to your partner for little things as well as big things. When your deeds are appreciated, you want to do them again and again.
Focus on the things you have in common.This can be tastes in art, literature, common hobbies and jokes.
Do things together.Cooking, shopping, watching movies, going out. This community and understanding is what you have come to love about each other.
Praise .For a delicious meal, a promotion, a nailed-down shelf, or even just for the fact that your partner looks good. Everyone feels good when their efforts are noticed.
Don’t criticize publicly. Private life is “private” because what happens in it should concern only the partners. If you have accumulated a complaint to your spouse – talk privately, but never clarify the relationship in front of children, relatives or guests.

Hug more often, hold hands and just touch each other. Psychologists have proved that tactile sensations influence the degree of trust between partners.

Conclusion

Relationships between people are complex and multifaceted, and jealousy, unfortunately, is not uncommon. It is very important to understand in time why a loved one is jealous, in order to solve this problem with joint efforts. Mutual trust, respect and the ability to compromise are three key points of strong love. I also recommend reading The most effective ways to combat jealousy.

Love, Maria Shakti.