Difficult mother-daughter relationship. What can be fixed?

Today I will tell you how you can fix the mother-daughter relationship and what are the reasons for the negative feelings between them.

“A child is a guest in your house: feed him, teach him and let him go” – the essence of this Indian proverb is obvious, but, alas, it is very hard for many parents to understand it. Some see their child as property, some instill a sense of unpaid duty and shame.

The mother-daughter bond is a bond that leaves a meaningful imprint on both women. This article on our website lifeinheart.com will help you understand why mothers sometimes dislike their daughters, why a daughter might hate her mother, and what to do to mend the relationship?

The role of the mother in the formation of personality

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifelong responsibility? – It’s an all-encompassing word encompasses all of these concepts.. After all, a parent’s behavior largely determines the formation of her daughter’s personality, her perception of herself and the world around her. So, what does a mother mean to a little girl?

1. The feeling of security. Mom is the one person in front of which a little girl should not be afraid to be myself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, a love of “boyish” cartoon series and sports. An area free from judgment and the need to adjust will allow her to form her own view of the world, through trial and error.
2. The right to be a child. A girl with an adult, responsible and formed person around her can safely do her “childish things”: play dolls, play around, go for walks and explore. The absence of the burden of adult responsibilities and knowledge is something that every child is entitled to.
3. Example of social interaction. If the mother on the playground is constantly gossiping about the neighbors, expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband – this will fix in the daughter as an a priori correct and acceptable pattern of behavior. This is why young parents should pay as much attention as possible to introspection.
4. Wife example. According to statistics – more than 50% of childhood traumas were caused by forced witnessing of parental scandals. Every disgruntled grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and unflattering reference to the father as the head of the family is deposited if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
5. The ability to love and be loved. Observing the behavior of the mother, the girl answers many important questions for herself. Do her parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return, or are her actions unselfish? Is she able to accept signs of attention or does she push them away?

“Mother is the first word, the most important word in every fate…” – Remember that song? It makes even more sense with the awareness of the impact a mother’s life stance has on her daughter’s formation as a whole, separate person.

If you are unsure of your own worth as a mother, seek help from a professional psychologist. A specialist can help you identify and close family conflicts.

Mother-daughter relationships depending on age stages

During the 9 months, mother and daughter are in complete symbiosis: they are an inseparable unit. But this does not mean that with the cutting of the umbilical cord this connection ceases: a smooth and natural rejection, conditioned by self-consciousness, begins:

• From birth to a year and a half, there is absolute dependence. The mother is entirely responsible for the well-being and safety of the baby. Gender is irrelevant. Nature’s natural maternal instinct kicks in.
• From one and a half to three years – the realization of their own needs. The baby at this age becomes aware of her own desires that do not fit in the schedule or what her mother offers her. Phrases such as: “give,” “want/need,” “will/won’t,” etc. The girl begins to feel the need to make independent decisions, but acts with an eye to the mother’s reaction. The mother, in turn, experiences a permanent anxiety For her child, all of her efforts are directed at the protection of the child’s life and health.
• Three to seven years of age is the period of identification. The girl begins to identify with her mother, realizing that she belongs to the female sex and adopting typical gender habits. At this stage, parents should give the child a little more free will and teach her all the necessary self-care skills. Around the same time, the girl has her first friends, personal preferences and secrets.
• Puberty is an artificial conflict between mother and daughter. The parents are no longer a child, but not yet a woman. What was previously taken for granted begins to be reinterpreted and criticized. The mother must get used to the idea that she will have to build relationships again and learn to negotiate. The main thing to do is to maintain trust.
• Youth is the stabilization of the relationship between mother and daughter. Parents are presented with an independent personality with their own formed interests and views on life. Her role as a child naturally ends. She has the right to a private life, to choose her own life partner and sexual partners, and the mother has only to acknowledge this.
• The mother becomes a grandmother. The news that her daughter is about to become a mother herself brings the women very much closer together. The expectant mother for the first time in a long time openly needs the mother’s guidance, and she, in turn, is happy to share her life experiences. The psychological and physical condition of the expectant mother during pregnancy and after the baby is born depends very much on the support of others, among whom should be the mother and spouse.
• Old age. The relationship between the mother and her adult daughter becomes strained again. Recognizing their own infirmity and loss of authority, many older women become cranky. Their behavior is a lot like teenage rebellion. Now an adult daughter has to adapt and find an approach to her mother.

Many adult daughters, faced with the senile helplessness of their mothers, sink into a depressive state. If you are faced with this – don’t hesitate to ask for help from a professional. Also, don’t condemn yourself for asking for help with nursing care.

• The mother’s death is the completion of separation. The daughter goes through a difficult process of psychologically separating from her mother and realizing herself as the main woman in the family.

All of the above stages are a natural progressionwhich, unfortunately, often has many life nuances that overshadow the relationship between two women who are close to each other.

The main reasons for a difficult relationship with the mother of an adult daughter

The relationship between daughter and mother does not always go smoothly. Let’s look at the most common reasons for disagreements.

Competition

As strange as it may sound, female, albeit unconscious, competition between mother and daughter is a very common cause for conflict.

Synopsis. Most often competition is found in families where the mother gave birth too early, or there are several generations of women (grandmother, mother, daughter) in the family.

It lies in the fact that the mother is banal jealous of her daughter, albeit subconsciously. She sees how her baby girl is gradually turning into a beautiful, young girl, and this phenomenon once again reminds her of her age. However, the train of thought can also be reversed. The mother remembers what she was like at her daughter’s age (sociable, flirtatious, slim, attractive, married, childlike) and projects this onto her daughter, who is both outwardly and inwardly different from her. This makes the woman feel frustrated, believing that her child is not fulfilling herself properly. The mother’s envy of her daughter may not be voiced directly, but it always weighs on her and creates a tense atmosphere in the family where no one can relax.

What is to be done?

In this case, you need to show wisdom and empathy. Put yourself in the place of the opponent, and feel the pressure of unsolicited advice. If you’re a mother – show loyalty and discretion, recognize the right of the daughter to her own life path. If you’re a daughter – designate personal boundaries and begin to work on your own self-esteem. As a rule, the degree of pressure from older relatives decreases when they see that you have a a clear life stance.

Unwillingness to admit her mistakes

An ill-mannered, impudent, insolent and uncontrollable girl who does everything out of the way is nothing but a mirror image of her parent’s actions. The mother in her time did not pay proper attention to education, focusing on the satisfaction of material needs (housing, education, food, clothing) and as a result – she is a complete stranger with formed interests, which cannot be influenced by scandals and remarks due to lack of authority.

Or there is the opposite situation: the daughter, who grew up in a dysfunctional family, fears a repetition of fate and does everything to oppose her mother, which looks like an act of “spite” deliberate ignoring. The daughter does not hate her mother, but considers her an example of how not to live.

What to do?

The first thing to do is to take the time to introspect. Don’t try to make up for lost time – try to get to know each other. There’s no need to break person a mother who humiliates and insults her adult daughter will under no circumstances be seen as a wise mentor.

Not recognizing personal boundaries

Of course, it is extremely important to know your child, but arranging to follow him or her and deprive him or her of even minimal personal space is inadmissible. A mother who reads a personal diary, empties her pockets, checks her browser history and personal correspondence is perceived as a threat and not a trustworthy person.

In most of these cases, there is one outcome: the child learns to lie early, to lead a double life, and leaves the family walls at the first opportunity to feel at ease. And also often the adult daughter does not communicate with her mother except by necessity and in common phrases.

What to do?

One should remember oneself as a young man and realize that at that age, too, there are individual desires and needs that often run counter to the expectations of the family. It should be understood that spying and blatant violation of personal boundaries has not yet caused anyone to want to get close.

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A young mother in the prime of her life has every right to a happy private life.. But we should not forget about the child and his perception of reality. A girl who is in the care of her grandparents, while her mother is trying to get along with the new object of admiration feels abandoned and unwanted. As a consequence: jealousy Protest, drawing attention to herself in the most radical ways.

Often the mother, emboldened by the new relationship, pays attention to the child from her first marriage only in case of emergency (when he screams, cries, hurts himself, etc.). Often this leads to childhood self-harm (self-harm) and depressive states.

What to do?

It’s worth understanding that only husbands are exes – children will stay with you forever. The daughter also has the right to her own opinion about your new chosen one – she does not have to love him. The task of adults in this case – to provide a child a sense of security. If you are a daughter who grew up in a similar family – work through your emotions with a psychologist. Try to look at your mother as a simple person. Acknowledge her right to make a mistake.

An imposed sense of duty.

“I nurtured you, educated you, raised you, and you’re an ungrateful selfish person!” – This is a phrase a daughter might hear when she does not act in the way her mother expected. There are many options: started the wrong career, had the wrong hobby, started dating the wrong man. The parent feels as if she put a significant layer of her life on the altar of parenting, and did not get the desired return for it.

As a result, the mother manipulates her adult daughter, constantly reminding her that she owes her a debt of gratitude. Or, even worse, she plays up hysterics, fainting, heart attacks, and other ailments to get her daughter to cancel all of her plans. It also happens that the mother insults and humiliates her daughter, thereby offending and devaluing all her achievements.

What to do?

It is important to realize that having a child is your wish, not his. An adult daughter does not have to give up her own plan to meet your expectations. If you are in the position of a daughter. start living separately at the earliest opportunity. Do not torment yourself if your mother now and then makes it clear that you abandoned her and betrayed her, but do not forget to visit your parents as often as possible, to give them signs of attention and, of course, to monitor their health. I also recommend checking out An article about effective methods of getting rid of old grudges..

Five destructive types of mother-daughter relationships

Unfortunately, even in families that seem to be doing well, things are often not that smooth. The reason for this is the wrong model of behavior of the mother. Psychologists have identified Five types of relationships that eventually lead to disagreement.

1. The daughter as a personal psychologist. Trust between relatives is fine, but not when all the family turmoil falls on the little girl. It often happens that the mother voices all of her worries to her daughter: regarding the difficult financial situation, difficult relationship with her father and dislike of certain relatives, etc. And the little girl has no other choice but to listen. As a result, the mother, without realizing it herself, takes away a part of her daughter’s childhood, depriving her of a sense of comfort and security.
2. Dictatorship. “Mom knows best,” “I’ve already decided everything for you,” “You’ll do as I told you,” are typical attitudes of a dictator mother. The reason for such behavior is the oppressive burden of past mistakes. It gives the impression that the mother does not love her daughter, but only tries to live her life “clean”. Any manifestations of personal desires are suppressed at the root. As a result, the adult daughter does not want to communicate with his mother, and tries to reduce the number of visits to the minimum possible in order not to relive the same feeling of insignificance.
3. Domestic exploitation. “The future mistress should not sit idly by,” “No one will marry you, you are so unskillful,” “You should give me the money you earn” – these phrases are clear signs of domestic exploitation. A mother raises her daughter with the attitude that you are worth something only if you sacrifice everything for the common good. Such girls grow up to be women who can endure domestic violence for years. The husband may morally repress his spouse, treat her as a servant, and she will tolerate such an attitude, for the reason that in her childhood she was taught that this is what a family should look like.
4. Mother Superior. The superior mother differs from the dictator mother in the fact that she does not insist on a certain path in life, but only controls the correctness of the decisions made by her daughter. Figuratively speaking, like a boss, she demands a constant report on the work done, plans for the nearest and farthest future and sets deadlines for their fulfillment. Often this leads to the fact that the daughter will never learn to make decisions as an adult, and will be nervous not getting approval or guidance from older relatives.
5. Unknowing Mother. There may be many reasons for this: the need to provide for the family alone, trying to establish a personal life, etc. If the parent is constantly absent and takes almost no part in the life and education of her daughter, their relationship will not develop in the best way: the mother will appear in his life only occasionally and demand love and attention to themselves, which, of course, will not take place. As a result: jealousy Mother’s jealousy of her daughter or of the relatives who have replaced her as her guardian.

Why does a mother hate her daughter? Psychology and Causes

No child deserves a mother’s dislike, much less hatred. To understand the nature of a mother’s hatred of her daughter, we will break down the main theses.

Often the cause of a young mother’s dislike of her newborn daughter is postpartum depression. This is a severe condition, which must be corrected together with a psychotherapist.

So, what are the reasons why the most important woman in a girl’s life might hate her?

1. She didn’t have an example of a harmonious relationship. The first experience of love is received in childhood, the attitudes of the relationship, too. If a woman has not had emotional intimacy with her own mother, she will not know how to find it with her own daughter. She will be confused and frightened, causing her coldness to be perceived as hatred.
2. The daughter is an unplanned/unwanted child. The woman is a victim of circumstances through no fault of her own. She did not want to become a mother, but she was let down by contraception, and then pressured by her spouse or relatives to have the baby. Sometimes the answer to the question why a mother hates her daughter is absurd: because she wanted a son!
3. The daughter reminds her of her father, who is not around. A woman is forced to endure a copy of the man who betrayed her every day, which causes only irritation. Especially brightly these emotions manifest themselves when the baby inherits not only the appearance, but also the habits of the father.
4. The mother has a mental disorder which disturbs the perception of reality. Depression, schizophrenia, neurosis.
5. She has a shattered ideal picture of the world. Unfortunately, many women have a very mediocre view of motherhood itself. After all, the phrase, “I want a baby,” is heard far more often than “I want to be a mother.” That is, having a baby is perceived more as an acquisition, a week of giving. In addition, many women use their pregnancy as a means of strengthening relationships, which does not always work.
6. The mother is jealous of her adult daughter. It also happens that the mother, instead of being happy for her accomplished daughter, feels overpowering envy. She realizes that her “best years” have been spent raising her children, and her daughter, instead of following in her footsteps, lives for her own pleasure.

A heartfelt “I hate you!” is not the same as real hatred. A mother is just a person who can’t always keep her emotions in check. One can only speak of real hatred if the coldness, contempt, and disdain are felt universally.

A mother’s hatred of her daughter. The psychology of coming out.

Why a mother may not love her daughter we figured out – now let’s try to understand what to do the victim of circumstances herself. If you recognize yourself as an unloved daughter, the following guide to action will help you not to aggravate an already difficult situation:

• Don’t give in to provocation. The mother will look to your words and actions to confirm her beliefs-“My child, bad and that’s why. Don’t respond to the attacks.
• Don’t try to prove anything.. To succeed in spite of someone is a path that leads nowhere. You will not get satisfaction, and your mother will only end up getting more annoyed.
• Understand that you’re not in a position to influence other people’s emotions.. You can’t correct her inner discomfort – she has to do it herself.
• Learn to assert your own boundaries and interests. If you feel that your character is too soft to confront a tyrant – your best bet is to weave an independent life separately at the first opportunity.
• Demonstrate your autonomy. You can act and make decisions on your own–your mother should understand and accept that. Show persistence and don’t give up your position, even if your mother resists your desire to be independent of her in every way.

Hate for your mother by your adult daughter. How do you forgive and let go?

Hate is a common reaction to indifference, coldness, and detachment. Women who have a grudge against their own mother have many social difficulties. They do not understand how to build friendships, what to base relationships with the opposite sex on, and, moreover, how to raise their own children.

Men much more often than women feel an indelible hatred for their mothers. Women, on the other hand, tend to seek justification and forgiveness, especially if they have already become mothers themselves.

It is possible to work through the problem of an unhealthy relationship with one’s mother using the following methods.

Breaking up the relationship

As soon as you have an opportunity – leave the father’s house and start an independent life. Don’t give in to entreaties to stay and intimidations that it won’t work out. Increase your distanceif necessary. if necessary and reduce your communication to short phone calls. It is likely that the mother will thaw during the separation.

Work with a therapist

Basic plavilo mental health says: “If you think you need to go to a psychologist, you do not think. A specialist can help you sort out your feelings, find and eliminate old, childhood traumas.

Getting to know the other point of view

Put yourself in your mother’s shoes.. Reproduce in your mind her life from childhood to our day. What kind of people do you have to deal with? What hardships have you experienced? Who has shown you the most sympathy and care? This exercise will help you develop a healthy sense of empathy and analyze events from a different perspective.

A gratitude list

Sit down at your desk and set aside an hour of your time to write a gratitude list for your mother. Think of all the times her actions have warmed your soul. It will help you treat her more leniently.

Refuse to idealize.

Every girl has an idea of the ideal family. It is based on life experiences of others, seen in movies and even literary images of “model mothers”. But most often these patterns are too flat and unviable. Accept your mother for who she is.. At the end of the day, she’s just a person with her own flaws and weaknesses.

The Forgiveness List

Sit down at the table, concentrate, and write in a column a few sentences that begin with the words “I forgive you for…” where instead of a dotted line, what is relevant in your particular case.

Now let’s talk about what you shouldn’t do in this case:

• You shouldn’t take revenge on your mother. Lust for revenge is a painful condition that forces you to do rash things. All that awaits you in the end – an indelible feeling of shame.
• Don’t look for a lifeline in marriage. By marrying “the first guy you meet,” you do not solve your problems, but only shifted the responsibility for their own life on the man. If your spouse is just a way to escape from the parental home, be prepared for the fact that your relationship will inevitably deteriorate.

Conclusion

The mother-daughter relationship is the prototype of most important social and mental constructs. These include self-esteem, self-love and self-esteem, the ability to build relationships. Alas, you can’t change the past, just as you can’t change your mother. But you can try to change yourself and start a new life without the burden of old resentments.

With love. Maria Shakti.

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