When infatuation passes and the first passion subsides, the question arises: is it really the same thing to which many movies, books and songs are devoted? Is it just a habit? Why does love pass? How to understand that the feelings are gone, and there is nothing to fix? Read about it in my article on the site lifeinheart.com.!
The beginnings of love are a beautiful period. Every timid glance and the occasional touch of the hand causes a storm of emotions. But time goes on, and moonlight dates displace household chores, and instead of flirty text messages, partners send each other dry reminders to stop by the store or pay the bills. Does that mean feelings have faded?
Love or just infatuation? What’s the difference?
Of course, these feelings are of the same nature, but you should not confuse one with the other. Let us consider them in detail.
The psychology of falling in love
Falling in love is a subconscious choice. The feeling can arise in an instant, as a flash, for no apparent reason. Often the object of sighing reminds you of someone or something from deep childhood: it may be the smell of mom’s perfume, Daddy’s smile or the feeling of being carefree with your best friend.
Sometimes the reason for falling in love is to compensate for the lack of parental affection. This is a common problem among children of oppressive parents.
The psyche builds an associative series and falls in love with you, trying to prolong the feeling of unconditional happiness. A person in love sees everything through a special prism of self-deception, or as it is called “rose-colored glasses”: the object of passion has no flaws – only features that can always be justified. Critical thinking and logic are disabled.
There is a direct parallel between being in love and drug addiction: substances cloud a person’s mind. In this case, it’s a cocktail of hormones:
- Oxytocin . – The hormone of tenderness and affection. Bursts of this substance are observed during tactile contact: kissing, hugging, caressing. The most powerful release of oxytocin is experienced by a new mother who picks up her baby for the first time. Read also this article about The complexities of the mother-daughter relationship.
- Dopamine – Is responsible for determination and optimism. Forces at all costs to seek the location of the chosen one. It is under the influence of dopamine performed the most reckless feats “in the name of love.
- Serotonin – the famous “hormone” of happiness, which causes a feeling of elation and awe. In addition, it is because of an overabundance of serotonin that lovers lose sleep and appetite.
- Adrenaline – promotes concentration, helps to make decisions and show initiative in communication with the opposite sex.
- Endorphin – Is responsible for pleasure and a feeling of security. It is produced during sexual arousal. The highest concentration of endorphins occurs in women just before childbirth.
- Vasopressin – The hormone is produced when a person is most satisfied with his or her appearance. The level of vasopressin in the body also affects the tendency to polygamy or monogamy.
- Phenylethylamine – A surge of this substance is responsible for feelings of love at first sight, which is expressed by unreasonable sympathy for someone, excitement, rapid pulse and breathing.
- Testosterone – is responsible for passion and sexual desire..
- Estrogen – a female hormone that makes you attractive and increases the sensitivity of your erogenous zones.
The period of falling in love and “bonbon-bouquet” courtship is a fleeting, but very rich in emotional terms time interval, which lasts up to 2.5 years. If the partners manage to really get to know and understand each other during this period, there appears love.
The Psychology of Love
As has already been said before – when falling in love passes, love takes its place. Provided, of course, if the lovers have stood the test of time..
There are four stages of a love relationship.
- Idealization. The stage when the man and the woman idealize each other. Advantages are exaggerated, and weaknesses are perceived as trifles that do not deserve attention.
- Satiety. The stage of destruction of “air castles”. Prince Charming turns out to be an ordinary guy with his own flaws. What used to be perceived as “mere trifles” begins to irritate. Life together seems dull and boring. The relationship fades, and if no action is taken, everything leads to a breakup.
- Integration. Only those couples who have worked to preserve the union reach it. Falling in love has passed and is replaced by a real perception of each other. Partners do not try to embellish reality and behave naturally and relaxed.
- True love. Partners trust each other completely and have learned to coexist, deriving genuine pleasure from communication.
True love has nothing to do with the fear of being alone.
Love differs from being in love in the following ways:
- Lack of selfishness.. Love does not tolerate the domination of the “I” over the “we” – both make allowances for the happiness of the other half..
- Unconditional .. Love is the acceptance of the person as whole. Love, on the other hand, has a special criterion: eyes, figure, smile, mole.
- Caring. A lover tries to show himself in the best possible light and to deserve affection. Love is expressed in selfless care and actions aimed only at improving the mood of a loved one.
Why do feelings grow cold? The 4 main psychological traps
When a love that seemed like it would last a lifetime goes away, most people feel cheated. But in fact, the only one who has been cheated is himself. There are four psychological traps that anyone can fall into:
- Idealization and projection.. At the beginning of a relationship, both partners know very little about each other. This gives room for fantasy. The lover analyzes the words and actions of his object of admiration, searching diligently for “points of contact. He models dialogues and romantic scenes in his head. The result is love for an idealized image, which is projected onto a real person who has very little to do with the fiction.
- Lack of Criticism. Some ethologists claim that disabling criticality is a natural mental mechanism that once helped humans preserve themselves as a species. For example: A girl from a good family falls in love with an ex-convict and, despite his behavior and the entreaties of his relatives, she marries him and gets pregnant. After the baby is born, the girl begins to feel contempt for her husband. Love goes away, and her eyes are opened to the true picture of the world: he does not work, is rude, and can raise his hand against her. This is an insidious subconscious trap: the ability to think critically is turned off when a potential father or mother of future children appears on the horizon, and is turned on if the main goal is achieved. Usually, this period lasts from six months to a year.
- Searching for the prescribed ideal. Answering the question, “What kind of guy do you see around you?”, most girls will name 10 to 15 criteria. This is a kind of hodgepodge of the best male prototypes, taken from life or popular culture, which turns out to be completely indigestible in reality. For example: After watching a melodrama, a girl decides she wants to find a life partner who resembles the main character. He must be handsome and successful businessman who loves sports. And here’s luck – she gets into a relationship with the ideal! Only after a while it turns out that his beauty is synonymous with narcissism, business takes 90% of his time, and sports for him is a way to show off for the girls in the fitness club. So why are feelings for a man, who fits all the parameters? It’s simple: the lyrical image is limited, and the real man is multifaceted, and his facets do not always conform to expectations..
- You’ll get used to it. This is a favorite phraseology of the adherents of traditional family values. Newlyweds are inculcated with one idea: be patient for the sake of preserving the family, no matter how difficult and uncomfortable it is. This model of behavior in marriage has a destructive effect on both partners. It is worth understanding that where mutual respect ends, feelings pass.
You shouldn’t start a relationship and get married just because you are under moral pressure. It will not bring you satisfaction.
Where does love go after marriage?
In fairy tales, the story of two lovers ends with “and they lived happily ever after.” Undoubtedly, the ending is beautiful – but it doesn’t carry any life specifics. After all, no one cares about doing chores, going to the same store year after year, and picking up the child from kindergarten. Gradually it gets boring, and spouses want another, more intense and brighter life, and the family seems burdening ballast. Where does love go after long years of marriage? The answer is primitive: everyday life eats them up.
Relationships doomed to break up over domesticity have the following characteristics:
- A sense of accomplishment. A wedding ring on the ring finger is perceived by many as a signal to relax, forgetting about appearance, self-development.
- Housewife Syndrome. Interests and goals are limited to a small world consisting of the kitchen, repairs, children, and TV shows. Spouses become uninterested in each other as individuals.
- Division of responsibilities into male and female. In today’s reality, this can simply be unfair. For example: A husband and wife work the same number of hours in the same job. However, when she returns from work, the wife has to cook dinner, do the laundry, and clean up because these are “women’s” activities. Or the husband has very mediocre ideas about electrics, and his offer to call a handyman to subdue an outlet is perceived by the wife as a sign of weakness.
- Ignoring Acts. Many, even the nicest things get bored, and spouses simply forget to praise and thank each other.
- Lack of personal space. Spouses do not allow the idea that you can do something separately from each other. Any attempt at seclusion is perceived as a betrayal.
So what to do if feelings fade because of everyday life? What to do if love for your husband (wife) is gone, and separation is frightening? Act back to the way things have been so far! Namely:
- Take care of yourself. Feeling that you are interesting not only to your chosen one, but to many other potential partners is very important. It fuels passion, even if you thought it was gone for good.
- Be versatile/nim.. Just because you have a family doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have hobbies. Take an interest in what is happening in the world, do self-development.
- Share responsibilities .. Cook dinner, clean the apartment and load the dirty laundry into the washing machine – these are activities that are feasible for both of you. Don’t burden yourself or your partner with something just because you have to. None of us are born with basic “feminine” or “masculine” skills. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you or your companion cannot do what is gendered.
- Become more observant. Thank each other for the little things in life: the dinner you cook, the bed you make, the garbage you throw away, etc.
According to psychological studies spouses who regularly thank each other are much less likely to fight.
- Spend time apart. The desire to be alone or hang out with friends is absolutely normal. Even though you are an established couple, you are still different individuals with your own interests. Do not limit either yourself or your chosen one, if you do not want to lose a sense of value and importance of your union.
Six signs that love has gone out of your relationship
Without proper effort on both sides, even the strongest couples can fall apart. Feelings have cooled down, passions have subsided, and you are left alone with your oppressive thoughts. If love is gone, a large layer of positive emotions that a healthy relationship should evoke is gone.
- Annoyance. The person you once loved annoys you with the mere fact of their existence: their behavior, their laughter, their smell, their smile.
- Oppression .. You are oppressed by the need to return home from work, because there is a perpetually dissatisfied wife or nagging husband. Your leisure time together does not evoke any emotion except boredom.
- Alienation. You do not want to share your thoughts, plans and desires, as you know in advance that you will run into a wall of incomprehension.
- Decreased libido.. Sex is perceived by you as a “marital duty” and brings no pleasure. The partner cares only about his own satisfaction.
- Unwillingness to seek compromise. Displeasure of the chosen one is perceived as a caprice and annoying noise. You avoid any clarification of the relationship.
- Indifference. You are completely indifferent to the fact that your spouse stayed late from work, made new friends, changed his or her clothing style and hairstyle. He no longer occupies your thoughts.
What to do if the love is gone? The first thing you have to do… you need to figure out what this person means to you.. Women and men perceive love in slightly different ways, but the rule is the same for everyone – do only what you want. If you feel the potential in this union, do everything to revive the former passion ..
Remember how you behaved at the beginning of the relationship: go on dates, make surprises, say compliments. If you do not even want to think about this man and feel nothing but irritation and contempt. Let each other go, and do it with dignity.. At least for the sake of those bright moments that connected you in the past.
In 2017, Scottish comedian David Loss asked the audience at one of his stand-ups, “If you’re confused about your feelings, imagine your partner died in an accident, and answer yourself honestly-how would your life change?” The speech resonated greatly in the hearts of people who couldn’t figure out what to do about a destructive relationship. The result was 14 divorces, and over 4,000 breakups (according to online feedback).
Love is a feeling one dreams of, fights for, suffers for, and accomplishes feats for. It is impossible to prepare for love according to a single pattern, because for everyone it is unique. Even more difficult – to keep love. The main thing – to understand the reasons for its disappearance, and to do everything in your power to prevent this from happening.
With love, Maria Shakti.