Today, as I celebrated another success in transitioning from fear to freedom of expression, I remembered my main skeleton in the closet with a smile on my face. Now, however, I am not afraid to look at his bones and they amuse me rather than terrify me.
Thanks to this skeleton and its scares, I have learned and lived through the experience that fear is an illusion and that there is always a great gift behind it. All of a sudden I sincerely wanted to share with you my success and a brief history of its development, because many people still think that my activities related to public speaking, conducting trainings and seminars and appearances on stage as a vocalist of an international project were given to me easily.
And my story began in my childhood, where I lived through the experience of a very shy girl who, not just on camera, but for a small circle of people could not properly tell a poem and just smiled silently, letting her eyes to the floor.
At the age of 17, I moved from a small peripheral town to Saint Petersburg to study. It was here that I came face to face with the fear of public speaking more consciously. My first report on the country’s economic development in front of a group of 15 people turned out to be a complete failure.
Fear ruthlessly consumed my entire being and I, having lost contact with reality, floundered in my own agony, radiating a crimson red complexion, jumping over words, mixing up sentences, and wishing I could sink underground forever, climb into a cozy hole and never come out of it again. After 10 minutes of reading the report, I sat through the rest of the lecture in complete shock and loss. However, following my instincts, I decided once a month to volunteer to read reports in front of the same group for the elementary pumping.
The next global stage of development turned out to be my direct activity as a facilitator of trainings and seminars. The day before my first training I experienced, perhaps, the most intense panic attack in my life. At this stage of development I could already be aware of my fear, observe it, breathe into it, but still be desperately afraid.
And so I sit in my center seat in front of people and realize that there’s no turning back and it’s time to start talking. It took me a lot of training and seminars to get out of my initial state of anxiety and fear into a state of flow and strength and joy. Yay, another victory.
My beautiful and amazing life didn’t take long and invited me to go deeper. I don’t know how it is that I dive headfirst into what’s going on and only then does my consciousness begin to be stunned by what’s going on and how we got here in the first place. Without any musical training or any singing skills I agreed to be a soloist in an international project and tour Europe. Looking back now I can only call it a miracle and crazy. At that point I was actively learning vocals and getting ready for my first concerts with anticipation.
And here it is, the long-awaited day of the concert, how great how cool it is, I am overflowing with happiness and anticipation. I sit on the stage, the music is playing and despite the trepidation and excitement I am determined and here is the long-awaited moment, I bring the microphone to my lips and….. OH GODS!
When I got home I collapsed on my bed and cried crocodile tears. It was horrible. By the way, I still have a tape of that concert and when people come to me people that can’t sing right away, I let them hear my first vocal performance, so they understand that it’s not talent that counts from birth, but patience, faith, hard work and of course risk!
Performing publicly on stage as a vocalist was not just a challenge for me, but a deep healing work of embracing the deepest parts of my soul. In spite of my psychological activities and development in this direction, I realized how deeply I still hide from myself and how thin and insignificant my connection with my inner world is.
To be on stage and to manifest through the voice, especially in a performance like a mantra, is a very naked state of consciousness, only in this case we expose not the flesh but the soul. And if we are still not naked to ourselves, if we are still hiding behind conventions and protections, it will be impossible to touch the heart of the listener through the voice.
My journey of exposure and emancipation, of accepting my weakness and vulnerability, of loving myself in my most difficult moments actively lasted two and a half years. During that time I experienced many ups and downs, going through layer upon layer of new revelations about myself, but still continued to sing and face my fears. This journey continues to this day, but in a completely different state of mind.
HOORAY! And yesterday I celebrated another round of my development and my little victory. Due to my constant travels, I am mostly in contact with foreigners, amazing people from different corners of the earth. And some time ago I decided to continue my activities as a speaker and lecturer in English. A new challenge and new challenges related to the conversational barrier and the ability to tune in to dozens of different mentalities in one space at once.
And oh yes, it happened. Yesterday I gave an amazing lecture about spontaneity and trust in yourself and life to representatives from 11 countries. At some point, I just felt like I skipped the last ring of resistance and flew. Easy and effortless, accepting everything as it is, finding the right words and dissolving in the moment. Laughing openly at my limitations, feeling the support of the vast universe under my shoulders, feeling myself part of a single process that supports and nourishes me on all levels of my being.
Life is an amazing and exciting adventure and it always gives us opportunities for growth and development. And if we say yes to it in spite of our fears and doubts, the next moment we find ourselves in a completely different dimension. And fears, they are gas pedals, corridors of time, through them the transition is much faster. so be afraid with pleasure and remember, fear is a temporary factor, behind which there is a gift!
With love and faith in you, Maria Shakti.
