The topic of the relationship between a man and a woman has always been one of the most discussed. In each of us there is an explicit or implicit desire for intimacy and love.
But when we enter into a loving relationship, we are very often faced with disappointment. Is a true relationship without expectations possible?
Let’s look at the root of these problems. The root of relationship problems lies in our expectations.. Deep down inside we feel the need for the other to fulfill all our desires.
Every time we enter into a relationship we unconsciously look for a savior in our partner to fulfill our every desire, thereby saving us from our own unconscious loneliness. When desires are not granted and expectations are not metwe begin to feel frustration and loneliness acutely.
Causes of Expectations
The reason for expecting another to fulfill our desires goes deep into our early childhood, the moment when each of us felt the separation from our mother. This separation leaves in
every child’s soul a deep wound and a desire to return to a state of unity, a desire to merge back into one with their mother. And as long as this wound is not realized, it continues to affect all of our relationships.
We can spend a lifetime trying to find intimacy and fusion with another person. The wound of separation makes us expect the impossible from a loving relationship. When we enter into a relationship, we hope that the other will save us from loneliness.
Every time we feel hurt, resentment, or anger, it signals an unfulfilled expectation. Very often we blame the other for our loneliness and begin to feel explicit or implicit resentment and aggression. This is especially evident in the feminine essence ..
Moreover, when the other does not conform to our expectations, we unconsciously begin to use various strategies and manipulations. Instead of realizing that the cause of the pain is in usWe naively blame our love partner and demand that he or she change.
Unrealistic expectations.
We believe that if the other person changes, it will make us happy. But this is not destined to happen as long as we unconsciously transfer the image of the savior to the other, and do not accept him or her as he or she really is. In trying to change the other, we permanently destroy the intimacy and warmth of the relationship. It is like buying an apple and demanding that it become a grape.
And the pattern of demanding is very simple here. First we ask the apple to become a grape, then we resent the fact that the apple is still an apple, and a little later we set conditions that we think will make the apple become a grape after all. But regardless of any strategies, the apple will still be an apple. Read also this article on Why it’s dangerous to live to live up to other people’s expectations..
Reality
When we shift our focus from external support to internal support, maturity is born in the relationship. And only then do we stop labeling our loved one as the savior and executor of our desires. We begin to see him for who he is. Read more about this in the article From romance to love.
The only ones who can truly love are those who don’t need love on the outside. But the road to self is not an easy one. To begin with, we will need a greater awareness that allows us to see all the strategies and reactions of behavior built up since childhood-all the patterns that make us act automatically.
In my Sacrament of Life training, I give basic techniques for becoming more aware and mature. I am also preparing a new course that will focus on unconscious trances, the topic of loneliness and truly close and deep relationships.
